


Lost In The Storm

by FivePips



Series: Rock 'n' Pole [22]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anxiety, Arguments, Break Up, Casual Sex, Depression, Family, Family Issues, Friendship, Genderqueer Character, Genderqueer Teddy Lupin, Misgendering, Other, Recreational Drug Use, Running Away, Slut Shaming, Transphobia, bad choices, drugs use, relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:34:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 37,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25490209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FivePips/pseuds/FivePips
Summary: Teddy's feeling lost in the world, and directionless while attempting to decide where to go in life. When Jordan breaks up with him, and all his friends are off to uni things just seem to get worse.
Relationships: Teddy Lupin/Original Character(s)
Series: Rock 'n' Pole [22]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1452979
Comments: 182
Kudos: 39





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a three part arc on Teddy trying to find himself. I should be posting every other day, maybe once a day. All but four chapters of the last part of this story is written.
> 
> Jennandblitz did not help me write this one but she did beta it and give pointers on Sirius' ideas and reactions when they're in the story.

“I think purple and this yellow and those two greens.” Jordan nudged her.

She had been thinking about her A-evels and careers and Uni once again, and poor Jordan was just trying to take her mind off things with hair dye. He really did know her well, even if the tactics weren’t working perfectly at the moment. She had to give it to him that he didn’t want to let go of trying to make her feel better.

“I know it’s a lot of colors but I saw a neat tutorial last night and watched it like four times.”

“Yeah, sure.” She bit her lip.

“We can get ice cream and you can eat it while I do your hair.” Jordan picked up the dye, tossing it in the basket on his arm. “Teddy?”

“Yeah? It’s a good idea babe.” Teddy kissed him on the cheek.

“You’re doing that thing where you’re saying things but I know you’re thinking about something else.” Jordan put an arm around her waist.

Teddy leaned her head on Jordan’s shoulders. She was happy he had his Docs on and she was in converse so she could do it without looking too awkward. As much as she loved being tall, sometimes she wished she was shorter so she could just shrink away. Today was one of those days for some fucking reason.

“I’m just thinking.”

“You’re nervous about getting your results, even though I’m sure you crushed it. You also are thinking too much about what you’re going to do.”

Teddy rolled her eyes as they walked down the hair care aisle. “Well, figuring out what to do and being thrust into adulthood makes me want to pull my beautiful curls out of my head, Jor.”

“Don’t do that.” He paused in front of the hair masks in little aluminum packets. “We’re taking the year off to work and doing some traveling so we can make our choices.”

“And you’re leaving after the results to travel for three months with your Mum.” Teddy still had some ill feelings towards Bev, but her Dad and Jordan insisted that it was important for them to rebuild their relationship since she left her jackass husband. She was still sour about being called an  _ It _ a few years back while Bev stood by.

“I’ll get you some really fantastic gifts.” Jordan grabbed a couple of the packets that she liked the most.

Teddy pouted before biting their lip again. The idea of Jordan going away for three months was bad enough, but Teddy thought maybe this was a preview of what their future was going to be like. The ideal situation was that they would go to uni — or whatever Teddy decided on — in the same place, hopefully London, and live together. But that probably wasn’t going to happen and they’d only see each other on the weekends… then they could get so caught up with other things it’d be every other weekend or every third weekend then only on term breaks then they’d break up…

Jordan kissed her pout before dragging Teddy along. “Do you want to get some makeup? You said that eyeliner was out. The good one that doesn’t smear and lasts for days or whatever they’re claiming.”

“Yeah, let’s see if they have it… You’re not borrowing it. The last time you borrowed my eyeliner, it was Pada’s good stuff and you lost it. They still haven’t forgiven me. It was like I lost their bloody boots.” Teddy scoffed remembering that argument. Thankfully Dad had bought them a new one, so they got over it soon enough but still bitched about the fucking boots Teddy had borrowed  _ once  _ \-- and didn’t lose _. _

“And you haven’t forgiven me either.” Jordan nudged them.

“Look, I’ve managed to get a lot of traits from my Pada, you’ve known what you’re getting into for four years.” She smiled at Jordan. It wasn’t a surprise they were so much like Pada because the Black genes were apparently strong. Aunt Nym was a lot like Pada in many ways so any of that nature stuff came right through and then the nurture part from Pada brought everything together.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” He kissed them. “Also, Remus can hold a grudge with the best of them. You were screwed either way.”

Teddy gasped, starting to feel a little tiny bit better. “I’m telling them both.”

“What a tattler,” Jordan said as they got to the display for the makeup brand Teddy had seen online.

Bending forward, Teddy grabbed the black liner that she wanted. “I tell them everything.” People bitched about their parents all the time, but Teddy never really got it. Sure they drove her mad from time to time, but nothing like what her friends complained about. Even though she wanted to start her own life, she didn’t want to move too far from them.

“God, I hope not everything.”

She shrugged, not  _ everything _ , but Pada did know a heck of a lot. Not so much Dad because that just seemed too embarrassing for Teddy. The whole debacle with accidentally blurting out  _ it was just a handjob _ caused things to go a bit topsy turvy for a little, so Teddy just figured not discussing sex with him was for the best unless it was a dire concern. Thankfully, she had none and Pada could offer plenty of advice… sometimes advice she was even a little nervous to ask about.

“I should know better than to say that because I did live in the Lupin-Black home for a few months and have been over plenty since.”

Teddy grinned, leading the way to the front of the store. She never thought before falling for Jordan that she’d be in one of those couples that lasted through school, and now they were here. She had to hope that it continued working. “Maybe not everything.”

“Ha, plenty, babe.” Jordan set the basket on the counter as Teddy reached into her purse to fish out her wallet. “So, can we get some ice cream on the way home?”

“Yeah, you know I won’t say no to that. I’ll get some for Dad so he doesn’t get all sad.” Teddy shook her head as she put her card in the machine.

“Remember the time we got those fancy cookies and he snuck two?”

“It’s a true addiction. It doesn’t help that I’m pretty sure he was stoned that night, so Dad having the munchies is worse than anything.” She put her card away, thanking the cashier before Jordan grabbed the bag.

“Your Dad stoned is the same, just more hungry.”

“Mm, he is. Grandma is the same, sadly I got Pada and Uncle Reggie’s tendency to get the giggles.” Teddy took Jordan’s free hand. 

“I think Hope is permanently stoned. Was Lyall like them?”

“No, I don’t think so. Neither is Richard. And yes, Grandma is the stoner matriarch of the Lupin-Black line.” Teddy snorted.

“Your family is so cool.” Jordan laughed as they walked towards Teddy’s car.

“Don’t tell them that, Jor. The egos in our household is too much as it is, it’s surprising we can walk through the door.” She dug out her keys.

“Glad you admit your ego is just as bad.” Jordan kissed her on the cheek before going to the other side of the car.

“You’re such a bastard.” Teddy opened her door and slipped into the seat before glaring over at him. “You’re terrible and mean and I don’t know why I’m dating you.”

“I’m sweet and kind and love you with all my heart.”

Her heart did that funny flutter thing in her chest it did when Jordan was sweet to her. “I’m only with you because you have good taste in music and fashion.” Teddy started her car.

“Ha! Sure, babe.” He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. “Love you.”

“Love you too.” Teddy couldn’t keep the grin off of her face. How was she going to deal with not having him around for three months then possibly longer than that when they took the next step in their lives?

“We should buy stuff for sundaes.”

“You know we have plenty of stuff for sundaes in our pantry.” Teddy started to drive towards the store closest to home. “We just need to get a variety of ice cream.”

“Yes, duh, obviously I just completely forgot what it was like for a moment.”

“Temporary amnesia,” she said in a conspiritory voice.

“The only reason I could possibly think of.” Jordan set his hand on their upper thigh, giving it a squeeze. “Are you parents going to be home?”

Teddy nodded. “Yeah, Dad at least I think. Pada’s got some charity stuff with Auntie Lily. So no funny business, sir.”

“I was just wondering!” He gave her thigh another squeeze.

She winked at Jordan. “Oh yeah, I bet babe.”

“I am not gagging for it all the time.”

Teddy scoffed, reaching for her sunglasses as they stopped at a red light. “Plus we have to make up for the fact you’re leaving me for three months.”

“We’ll have plenty of cyber sex, huh?”

“Nudes are not as fun as the real thing.”

“I know, we’ll make do.”

She smiled, nodding her head even though inside she was not looking forward to missing all the physical affection. Not just the sex but all the kisses and hugs and just that normal coupley stuff. Three months was a long time but if they went different places after their gap year then she didn’t know what she would do.

When they got in, Dad was on the phone with someone in the kitchen so she and Jordan just said hello as they dropped off the ice cream before going up to the bathroom to dye her hair. As much as she was jealous her parents had the en-suite with a bathtub, she was happy to have a little shower and her own space.

As they were waiting for the colour to be lifted Teddy watched Jordan putting the dye into separate bowls as if it were some type of experiment. He was going on about something he read on a new cancer treatment in a science blog. Sure Teddy was talented at a handful of things but she never felt as smart as Jordan. He was so bloody brilliant in maths and science. Whenever Teddy listened to him go on about things, it was so exciting to see how thrilled Jordan was, but Teddy felt rather stupid.

“Hey you two!” Her Dad shouted as he came down the landing. “Jordan, you staying for dinner?” He popped his head in.

“If that’s okay.”

Teddy laughed because she knew what her father was going to say.

“Okay? Jordan, how long have you known us now?”

Jordan chuckled. “Yeah, I know Remus.”

“He’s just stupidly polite.”

Her Dad nodded. “Clearly we’ve not taught you any manners so I’m just not used to it.”

Teddy blew a raspberry.

“Well, dinner will be ready at the usual time, so I think it should work with waiting for the dye to do its thing.”

“Yeah Dad, that’s good. We got you your favorite ice cream by the way, but you probably have to share with Pada.” She leaned against the wall.

“They’ll have to live without ice cream, the poor thing.” He put a hand over his heart.

Teddy chuckled because he was ridiculous when it came to sweets. It was a miracle he didn’t have any problems with his teeth. “So mean, Dad.”

“They know who I am after twenty-two years together. I mean they understood they’d lose dessert to me right after our first date. Plus, don’t act like you’re any better with the sweets.”

Jordan laughed as the timer went off.

“Saved by the bell, annwyl. I’ll let you two get to work. I’ll be downstairs when you’re ready for dinner.”

“Thanks, Remus.”

“Yeah, thanks, Dad.” She smiled before he set back off downstairs.

They shared a calm quiet as Jordan washed out and dried Teddy’s hair. Her mind went back to Jordan leaving and the next parts of her life that were so uncertain. Everything was always so stable and easy growing up. There were never ever true big upheavals in the Lupin-Black home. The biggest probably was when Pada insisted on redoing the kitchen and the bathrooms a few summers ago — so really nothing intense. Okay, well when Jordan was going through all that shite, but it wasn’t the same feelings she was having now.

“You must really trust me to go all in on these colors,” Jordan said as he was working on a small section of Teddy’s hair. The concentration on his face was adorable.

“Of course I trust you.” Teddy closed her eyes, smiling. “I trust you more than anyone.”

Jordan kissed her forehead.

Teddy grinned, that feeling of love fluttering against her chest again.


	2. Chapter 2

Teddy watched his Dad, Jordan, and Bev chatting over dinner about the impending trip. They had received their A-Level results today, and of course Jordan did amazing. Teddy did really well too, but he was having one of those days where the results were pointless for his future. Getting stuck in the wheels of capitalism, in some boring job that was unfulfilling in any way, was terrifying. At least his parents were doing what they wanted with their lives, running their own businesses for things that they loved and were passionate about.

“Are you okay piccolino? You have that look Dad gets when he’s thinking too much.” Pada reached over and ruffled his curls.

“Yeah, just a lot is changing and going on.” He looked down at this empty plate, ready to get dessert then head home. It was the last night that Jordan was going to be in town for months, so Teddy wanted to have some time together alone.

Since school ended his parents and Auntie Mary and Uncle Pete were letting Jordan stay over in the sunroom often. Dad resisted for a bit, mostly while in school, but he relented eventually because -- like he said -- Teddy was an adult now and could do as he pleased. Teddy was sure that the only reason he didn’t let it happen during the school year was because Dad wanted them both to focus on their studies.

Pada nodded, leaning closer to him. “It’s going to be okay, darling. You can video chat him and text. I know it’s not the same…”

“Yeah, it’ll help though, right?” Teddy bit his lip, reaching for his cider.

“Exactly. You should talk to Auntie Al, Uncle Frank’s always jetting off, huh?”

That did sound like a good idea, he hadn’t thought of that. She probably had some advice that wasn’t embarrassing and she was pretty straight forward compared to Auntie Marly, Uncle James, and even Auntie Mary. Deciphering what his Grandma or Auntie Mary was saying was like figuring out some obscure riddle. Meanwhile Uncle James would get emotional and Auntie Marly would be over the top.

After saying goodbye to Bev, Teddy and Jordan headed back with his parents to the house. Pada was going on about things Jordan had to do in his travels. Dad was pretty quiet, but that wasn’t unusual. He was pretty thoughtful, and Teddy could be like that at times — not that he didn’t just blurt out with things.

“It’s going to be exciting, even if I’m going to miss Teddy to pieces.” Jordan slung his arm around Teddy’s waist as they walked through the front door.

“It’ll be good to get some bonding time with your mum, yeah?” Dad asked as Bucky happily accepted Pada’s scratches behind his ears.

“Yeah.” Jordan nodded.

Teddy smiled at Jordan, kicking off his shoes and hanging up his leather jacket. He leaned back against the wall, watching Dad head off to the kitchen asking if Pada wanted wine. Of course they wanted wine, Teddy thought to themselves before taking Jordan’s hand and tugging him in the direction of the sunroom.

“Wanna watch something?” Jordan asked, as if they were going to do anything but shag. Really, the poor thing was so bloody innocent and sweet at times. Teddy could hardly stand it when he was so sweet and adorable.

“Yeah, sure, come on.” Teddy heard Pada laugh before they got to Jor’s room, that wasn’t really his room. He didn’t reply to them, instead he shut the door firmly behind him.

“How about--”

“Jordan,” he said firmly, pushing him back towards the bed. “You know we’re not watching a movie or whatever.”

Jordan smiled softly before he fell into the bed. “Teddy, we should talk first.” There was a note in Jordan’s voice that made Teddy’s heart drop. A seriousness that was normally given for his parents.

“What?” Teddy sat down next to him, pulling his legs up onto the bed.

“I love you.”

“Yeah, I love you too, Jor. You’re really freaking me the fuck out.” Teddy bit his lip as Jordan turned to look at him. His heart thudded against his ribcage as if it was trying to make an escape.

“What if we — what if we took a break for a few months?” Jordan’s dark eyes casted down to his lap.

Teddy furrowed his brow, his stomach twisting and making him nauseous. How could this even happen? They were both happy together. They had been together for three years and nothing ever made Teddy think that they were going to break up. Quite the opposite. Minus the worry recently of them breaking up when Jordan went to uni, Teddy thought they’d always be together. “Why? You said you love me.” Teddy’s voice wavered.

Jordan put a hand on his knee. “I want you to do what you want to do. I don’t want you to make choices because of me.”

“But I want to make choices because of you. I want you to go to some fancy uni to be a scientist then I’ll figure things out from there. I’m just going to be a chef or something.” That’s what everyone assumed because Teddy enjoyed cooking but it didn’t sit right with him recently.

“Teddy, that’s not a  _ just  _ kind of thing. You want to open a restaurant and head chef. You should take your schooling just as seriously as I do.” Jordan gave his leg a squeeze as Teddy let out a disbelieving laugh.

“I don’t even know if that’s what I really want? How am I supposed to make up my mind about who I want to be at 18 in terms of a career?” Teddy shifted, realizing how that sounded. How was he supposed to know anything then? “I know I love you and I want to be with you. That’s all that I really know.”

Jordan sniffled, his eyes were a little glassy. “I’m sorry, Teddy, but I want you to do what you want.”

“You’re what I want.” Teddy did his best to keep his voice strong and stable. “I know that I love you, I have known for a long time that I love you.”

“I love you too, but I want you to figure things out, okay? I don’t want me in the way.”

The tears finally spilled over, his heart was completely torn apart. Like Jordan reached in and tore it out instead of holding it with such fragile care as he normally did. Nothing made sense to him. This wasn’t meant to be happening. “I don’t…” He shook his head as Jordan went to hug Teddy. Teddy put a hand out to shove Jordan away. “No. If you love me, why would you leave me?”

“I’m not leaving you, I just want you to have some space to think.” Jordan reeled back and furrowed his brow.

Teddy sniffed again, standing up from the bed. “ _ You _ want space from  _ me _ .”

“No, no, I just don’t want you to feel like you’re tied to me. Like you have to make a choice because of me. I know that you’re struggling to--”

“So you’re leaving me?” Teddy threw his hands out, not able to comprehend any of this at all. Now was when he needed Jordan the most and he wasn’t going to have him. “When I’m struggling, you’re leaving me?”

Jordan put his head in his hands. “I’m going away for three months, maybe it’s for the best that you don’t have to feel like you need to think about me. Maybe it will help you figure out your next step.”

Teddy wiped a hand over his cheek, a red hot rage surging through him. This was heartache? He didn’t want it. He wanted to be done with it and never think about Jordan again. “I won’t come back to you.”

“If that’s what you want,” he said with a hoarse voice.

“Get your shit and leave. I’ll get your things from my room and leave them at Auntie Mary and Uncle Peter’s.” He couldn’t stand to look at Jordan anymore, so before Jordan could answer Teddy burst out of the room and ran up to his own space, Bucky right on his heels.

Slamming his door behind him, Teddy stood in the middle of the room for a moment, staring up at the ceiling, trying not to just completely lose it. Of course with the slamming of the door came Dad shouting if he was okay.

Teddy wanted to say yes so they didn’t find out, but it was inevitable that his parents would check in on him. They were going to hurt too because everyone in the family cared for Jordan. How was this all going to work now? Ro and Luna were essentially the sisters Jordan never had. Uncle Pete and Auntie Mary loved him and watched over him like parents. A minute later there was a knock on the door. He was going to have to tell them.

“Annwyl, I need to know if you’re okay.” Dad’s voice was even and calm on the other side of the door. “We heard Jordan leave too.”

Teddy couldn’t hold back the sob any longer as it bubbled up in his chest and finally burst, reducing him to tears. He didn’t hear the door open but a second later Dad was hugging him. He wished he was little again so The Tarzan Song and his starry night light that projected on the ceiling would make everything feel better. Teddy wasn’t a baby anymore though. None of that would mend a broken heart and decide on a path in life.

“It’s all right, what happened?” Dad rubbed his back.

“I can guess, caro.” Pada made a soft noise. “Piccolino, I know it hurts. Do you want to talk about it or do you want to just come watch a movie with us or do you want us to leave you alone?” They pushed their curls back.

Teddy sniffed back more tears, turning his head to the side. “I don’t know — he broke up — well, he suggested we go, fuck, we take a break and…” he trailed off.

“I’m sorry.” Dad sighed.

“He thinks I need to to figure out what I — I want and it’s — it’s him.” Another sob burst out from his chest. “Why… I can figure out my direction and still be — be with him.”

“Did you tell him that?”

“Yeah and he wouldn’t hear it. So I told him to fuck off.” He closed his eyes. 

“Come on, why don’t we go downstairs, put on a movie, curl up on the sofa, and eat ice cream?” Dad suggested.

“Okay, but my stomach hurts so I don’t know if I can eat.” Teddy finally let go of Dad. Pada was holding out tissues for him. “Thanks.” He took one and blew his nose. Fuck, he hated crying so much.

“Let’s go, piccolino.” Pada put an arm around his shoulders. 

He let himself be guided downstairs, and soon enough he was in a blanket burrito curled up on the sofa. He tried to make himself as small as he could as Pada sat on the floor against the sofa near him and Dad was sitting on the cushion closest to his head. Pada was going through the movie options while Dad carded his fingers through his curls like he used to when he was a kid.

“I don’t care what we watch. Something funny and not very romantic.” Teddy huffed as he reached a hand out for another tissue. “I hate romance.”

“Okay piccolino, how about Hot Fuzz then? Zero romance if I remember right.” They started the movie and Teddy wiggled a little on the sofa in an attempt to get comfortable. Nothing felt right though. He was missing a part of himself.

“I don’t get why he thinks I’ll be able to make up my mind about what I want to do without him,” Teddy complained, his eyes and throat aching from crying.

“Sometimes we make mistakes, thinking we know what’s good for other people.” Dad patted his shoulder. “He thinks he’s making it better for you.”

“He’s fucking stupid.”

“I wish I could make it better, Ted,” Pada spoke softly. “Your first heartbreak is the worst.”

“We’ve never even really fought before. Nothing bad, just meaningless things and now it’s just — it’s just over.” Teddy’s voice cracked, but he was refusing to cry again. The fingers through his hair made him remember it was Jordan’s idea for his current hair color. He wasn’t going to be able to look in the mirror now. “Pada, will you help dye my hair tomorrow?”

“Of course, piccolino.” They turned to look at them. “Whatever you need. Stay home tomorrow, Dad’s home all day if you need anything.”

“Yeah, take a few days from working at the studio and Recovery, okay?”

Teddy sniffled again, wondering if maybe he should go work, but doubting it could happen with how he was currently feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and comments are always welcome! Come say hi @marlenemckinn on tumblr!


	3. Chapter 3

Teddy wasn’t sure how much he slept after Dad made him go up to his bed to sleep. He refused to go near his phone or laptop or iPad. There was nothing for him to see that wouldn’t make him think of Jordan. Being at home was bad enough. Being in his bed was bad enough. There Jordan was, just about everywhere in his life. Their love had settled into every single nook and cranny of Teddy’s world. It had brought himself much light and happiness but now he needed to figure out how to scrub him out.

At some point, when the sun was streaming through his unclosed curtains and warming up his cheeks, causing him to feel feverish, there was a knock on his door. Bucky barreled through the small crack that Teddy left for him earlier. He hadn’t realized the dog left at one point in the morning, Pada probably brought him out. But Dad was standing there now with a tray in his hands.

“What’s going on?” Teddy was about to push himself up, but Bucky crawled on top of him, making it more than difficult to move. He buried his fingers in his fur, taking a deep breath.

“I made you some tea and toast, nothing too heavy on the stomach. If you want anything else I’ll make it. It’s nearly noon and I just wanted to make you something in case you were hungry.” Dad set the tray on his side table before sitting on the edge of the bed. “I’d ask how you are, but I can guess.”

Teddy nodded. “I’m stupid for thinking it’d last forever.”

“No, annwyl, you’re not stupid.” Dad shook his head.

“I feel stupid.” He rubbed a hand over his eyes as he tried to rid himself of this haze he seemed trapped in. There were no more tears left in his body, so at least he wasn’t crying. “What was your first breakup like?” 

“Mmm, I never was in love like you were with Jordan until that bad relationship,” Dad explained softly, a look crossing over his face that appeared whenever it was brought up. Teddy hated thinking about someone being so terrible to his dad. “And that wasn’t the same, really. I thought it was at the time but I doubt it was anywhere close. So I guess my one real love was Pada.”

“Yeah and mine left me.”

“Just because I had one real love doesn’t mean you’ll only have one in your life.” Dad frowned, petting Bucky. “Pada and I fought before, a few times it was bad. One time, right near the start of our relationship it was horrible. I got a little jealous about an ex on top of other feelings I was having and we had the worst argument, and I left.”

Teddy managed to sit up after Bucky readjusted to be closer to Dad. His brow was furrowed as he processed Dad’s words. Of course his parents argued, he knew they weren’t perfect, but he never thought either of them would ever just leave. “Really?”

“Yeah, I had a competition so I went to Germany for a few horrendous days and cried for most of it. Pada did the same but at Auntie Marly’s then Uncle James. We weren’t communicating, and really that’s what most of our arguments have ever boiled down to. When we talked things got better, like it always does. I’m not saying you have to get together with Jordan again, but I wanted you to know that me and Pada have struggled too.”

“Yeah, thanks.” He looked at the toast thinking about grabbing a bit but his stomach still had knots. “I’m glad you never broke up.”

“Me too, kid, I wouldn’t have you. Pronouns, by the way.”

Teddy bit his lip. “He/him or they/them or she/her, fuck. I don’t feel like anything but a genderless blob of sadness.”

“Okay,” he said with a soft smile. “Do you need anything?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think so. I’m so tired but I can’t sleep and my whole body is just… exhausted.” Teddy reached for the tea because that seemed safe. “I told him I’d bring anything I had of his in here to Auntie Mary and Uncle Pete’s.”

“You don’t have to rush.” Dad looked around his room. “Though I’m sure having his stuff around isn’t easy.”

Teddy shook his head, taking a sip of the tea. They were so intertwined with one another Teddy was sure that half the stuff of Jordan’s in his room could have belonged to him too. “What am I supposed to do with the gifts he got me? Like those roses on my vanity? They’re meant to last a year and I got them the other month for my birthday.” His voice cracked as he gestured to the black round box on the vanity with the dozen black roses.

“It’s up to you. If it hurts too much to see them then give them back. I have a box in the shed you could have.”

Teddy nodded, setting his mug down. “Can you… could you or Pada maybe bring it…” he felt like such a child for asking if his parents could take care of his problem. He wasn’t sure how he was going to face the rest of the family.

“Sure, no problem.” Dad ruffled his curls. “I’ll get the box and if you want I can help you pack up.”

Teddy scrapped his teeth over his bottom lip, thinking of what Jordan had left or the gifts he wanted to return. Nothing embarrassing, so he nodded again. A little help was better than crying alone over a tshirt.

When Dad left to get the box, Teddy bravely took a bite of the toast before standing up to begin collecting the things that belonged to Jordan or the gifts that he had given him. Four whole years of memories and love and friendship all gone because it was too hard for Jordan to stick with Teddy trying to figure out life? Maybe he was already looking forward to Uni and meeting new people to date.

So he began a pile in the middle of the room. A few vinyls that they had made out to more than a few times. A sweatshirt Jordan bought purposely too big so it would fit Teddy’s long limbs when he stole it from him. The roses he had got for his birthday. A few pictures of them Jordan framed for Christmas last year. A few tshirts that Jordan had just left behind. So much more, that barely covered it.

As Dad started to pack the things away Teddy looked at his corkboard: tickets to concerts and movies, a postcard they had nicked in London, a train ticket, wristbands, and a map. So many small things that set off memories of them together. With a sniffle to fight back the tears he didn’t know he had left, Teddy started to unpin the meaningless scraps that had held ridiculous sentimental value to him.

Once he was done tossing them in the trash he curled back up in bed, not even looking to Dad. “I’ll take this stuff downstairs.”

“The trash too?” His voice was rough as he screwed his eyes shut tight.

“The trash too. Do you need anything?”

Teddy shook his head, clenching his jaw in an attempt to hold back the tears.

“Love you, annwyl, I’m here if you need me.”

He nodded, taking a deep breath as Bucky snuffled and his weight shifted onto Teddy’s legs. Drifting back to a fitful sleep, Teddy dreamt of Jordan and happy times before waking up with the same sinking, empty feeling.

At some point he went downstairs for some water and something to snack on as his stomach didn’t seem as unsettled. Dad was out in the garden on the phone, probably with Grandpa or someone about the roses he was attempting to grow. As thankful as he was for him, Teddy was glad not to have him inside to ask him questions.

After getting a bag of crisps and a glass of water, he disappeared back to his room to put something mindless on to fill the silence that was weighing too heavy on him. Bucky kept him company, and Dad only checked in two more times while he snuggled up in an attempt to relax. 

The thoughts of Jordan and how Teddy just wanted him back seemed to be eating away at his brain. Their last argument played in a loop in his head and he tried to think back to any signs things had gone wrong. Nothing made sense. Nothing except Jordan didn’t want to be there for Teddy when he went through making tough choices.

Earlier than expected, Pada appeared at his door holding up the color remover and honey brown hair dye he had asked for. It was fairly close to his natural color, something that hadn't been seen in ages. “Come on, piccolino, let’s dye your hair.”

Each time he had been in the bathroom since the night before, he couldn’t look in the mirror. Even his hair reminded him of Jordan and that wasn’t fair. So dying was the only option. He certainly wasn’t cutting his curls off.

Pada was quiet for a while. They put on a playlist that was meant to mend his heartache, but listening to the lyrics just felt as if he commiserated with the songwriters loneliness. “I’m going to offer advice,” Pada finally declared.

“I was waiting for it.” Teddy looked up at them, biting their lip for a moment. “Go on Pada, no one could ever stop you.”

“That’s right.” They grinned but their face shifted into a more soft expression as they continued to apply the color remover with the pink brush. “I know it feels like he could be home for you and that’s hard right now. But sometimes home isn’t home like we thought and we need to travel and get hurt and grow. You two have all these bindings, after the four years, but you can’t let tethers pull you around, especially not when he wants to shrug them off. Things aren’t always forever, but home is always home. If it’s home, then it will always be there.”

Teddy closed his eyes, his nose scrunched as he tried to pull apart what they were saying to him. His brain was so exhausted it felt as if it was working over time. “So, like, Jordan might not actually be who I’m meant to be with, and if he is then things will work out right?”

Sirius nodded. “Mmhmm. Sometimes we have to find ourselves first before realizing what others meant to us. Uncle Reggie sort of discovered that, but it’s not my story to tell. Though I’m sure he’d talk with you if you wanted.”

He opened his eyes back up to see Pada looking down at him. “Yeah, I think I will. When I can manage the fact that everyone is going to know it's over now. I haven’t even looked at my phone today.”

“Mm, take the time you need, Teddy. Talking with Minnie will be good for you too. Your appointment is in a few days, right?” Pada dropped the brush in the bowl and stood back, their back cracking as they did.

“Yeah.” He shifted a little to get comfortable on the toilet seat. “What was your first heartbreak like? Dad says his wasn’t until you two fought when you started dating.”

Pada perched next to him, putting an arm around his shoulders. “My first heartbreak doesn’t matter now, I can tell you that much. It hurt at the time and I never thought I’d live again. I don’t mean to invalidate your feelings because it must hurt. I also never dated anyone for more than just shy of a year until your Dad, so what you’re feeling is much different. I’m sure it’s akin to what I felt when I thought your Dad and I were through then. We had a few big fights where I thought we were going to not make it.”

Teddy peered at them, not able to imagine it. They were always so sure and steady to him. “Really, a few?”

“Mm, one before you came along when I packed my bags and almost left because everything was just so stressful. Dad snapped out of his own self doubt then before helping me through my own. Now we have you and you’re the best thing we could have asked for..”

“You’re the best parent, Dad too.”

“I win though, right?” They raised an eyebrow.

“You’re so competitive! Even with this!”

“That’s not a no, piccolino. Caro!” They shouted. “I’m the best parent in the world!”

Teddy shook his head, hoping he’d find a love that could last and endure like theirs. He thought Jordan was it, he felt like home, but maybe not.


	4. Chapter 4

About a week after Jordan left, Teddy was attempting to become a member of society again. Grandma needed someone to watch the shop so she could go to an appointment while Auntie Mary was out with Luna to get things for Uni. Teddy volunteered because it was easy enough, and the shop was the most relaxing place he could probably be. Most people in the family were working or busy elsewhere so he didn’t have to worry about seeing anyone and talking about Jordan. Once he got through Grandma hugging him so tight he almost burst, Teddy was through with the amount of pity he could handle for the break up in a day.

The shop was quiet for the most part, aside from a couple of tourists and an older woman who was a regular. When the chimes rang above the door near the time Grandma was meant to be back he was flipping through a book on crystals. Generally he didn’t practice like Auntie Mary or Ro or his Grandma, but anything to help this empty, hollow feeling in the center of his chest would have been a welcome relief.

When he looked up from the book he found Eleanor Avner. Teddy had hung out with her from time to time, and he liked her well enough. “Hi Teddy! You work here?” She asked, running her fingers through her bob.

“It’s my Grandma’s place, just filling in.” Teddy shrugged because he felt like he did it often for all his family’s businesses. If only he could find what he loved and made a job out of it.

“That’s amazing!” She leaned on the counter. “I was dropping in for a sage bundle.”

“Right moving to your dorm soon?” Teddy asked.

“Nah, moving in with my sister in a flat near school. I’m studying at the Royal College of Music in London.” She smiled, drumming her fingers on the counter.

Teddy felt jealous because he wanted to be moving on with everyone else. He just had no idea where he wanted to move on to. Everything was just completely shit, all he wanted to do was shrink away. “That’s brilliant.”

“If you’re ever in London, you could totally come hang out with me, yeah?”

“Really?” He chuckled, feeling bad for sort of blowing off the invitation. They just hadn’t spent much time together recently.

“‘Course, if you’re not spending all your time with Jordan, like you were.” Eleanor plucked up a shiny blue stone from a dish on the counter, examining it.

Teddy’s stomach twisted at the mention of Jordan’s name, like it did everytime. It was inevitable that he’d see and hear traces of this person he had loved for years, and had such strong ties to his family. The other night, Teddy saw an Instagram post pop up from Jordan and Harry, Ro, and Auntie Marly had all commented on it. Of course it was a photo of the Alps, and it was beautiful, but it still hurt to see that they all hadn’t cut Jordan off. Granted, he was a part of the family wasn’t he?

“Well, Jordan’s not around to take my time.” Teddy hoped that he sounded as nonchalant as he wanted to sound. “I really could have hung out with you anyway.”

“I don’t know, you were always caught up with him -- especially this last year. But, glad you’re happy to grace me with your time.” She set the stone down, peering back up at Teddy. “I have some mates in London you’d get on with.”

Teddy nodded; maybe hanging out with people who had no attachment to Jordan was a good idea. He could get out of this funk that he had no idea how to break free of. “That sounds like fun.”

“It’d be more than fun, you know?”

“Yeah, well, when you settle into your place, let me know.” Teddy stood up straight.

“I will, believe me.” She looked around. “So, where can I find this sage at?”

Teddy pointed over towards the window with a covering that made the shop look as if it was filled with rainbows. “In a basket over there.”

“Fabulous, Mr. Salesman.” Eleanor pointed at him before starting towards the sage.

He snickered and closed the book. “What are you going to study? I’m going to assume, voice because you always sang at assemblies and things.” Teddy watched her pluck up the sage with her neon green nails.

“Of course. Not sure what else I would do.” She came back to the counter. “I’m surprised you’re not studying dance.”

Teddy shrugged, grabbing the iPad to make the transaction. Dance was fun for him, as was rock climbing and cooking and writing fanfiction and listening to music. Sometimes he wondered if he had too many interests. “I don’t know, I’m not sure it’s what I want to do for the rest of my life.”

“I don’t think it really matters anyway, picking what you want right now.” Eleanor handed over her card. “We’re young and should be having fun. I think we’re allowed to fuck up and do what we want.”

“Yeah, maybe be.” He swiped it through the reader. Teddy generally didn’t fuck up even if his parents and friends and family called him a little punk, and he did things not always up to status quo. But Teddy never did things that he thought his parents wouldn’t like.

“Really, I wish I took a gap year. Imagine all the partying you can be doing, huh?” Eleanor asked while Teddy put the sage in a small paper bag. 

Not that there was going to be much partying with everyone away. It looked like work and only work from here on out. “Right, lots of that.” He handed over the bag.

“I’ll talk to you later, Ted.” She smiled before leaving him alone in the shop again.

When Grandma came back, not long after Eleanor left, Teddy headed over for tea and some cookies nearby. He picked up a couple of cookies for his parents since they had been putting up with his moping the last week. As much as he was feeling aimless and lonely, at least he was no longer just curled up in his blankets crying. The crying had stopped for the most part and his thoughts weren’t on Jordan every minute of the day. So there was some improvement.

Since Dad would want the cookies more, Teddy went to Recovery. Plus, with climbing he could get away from people asking about Jordan if need be. He couldn't exactly pirouette out of talking to people. To his surprise when he got to the back, where Fab said Dad was unpacking some new merch, he found his parents snogging. 

“Must you make out all the time?” Teddy complained more because love was bothersome at the moment instead of the usual griping he did about his parents kissing.

Pada did their usual grin, bouncing up on to their toes for a moment when they turned around. “Hi piccolino, how is Grandma? Did it go okay?”

“She was good and the shop was fine.” Teddy held up the cookies. “Stopped by that tea shop.”

“You’re the best son in the world.” Dad kissed his forehead before taking the bag.

Teddy leaned over to look at the new sweatshirts they had got in. “I saw Eleanor, remember her?”

“You mean the snobby little—”

“ _ Sirius,” _ Dad spoke firmly.

“Snobby? She’s not snobby.”

Pada sent Dad a withering look before snatching the cookies away. “She was when you were hanging out with her more.”

“I’m sure she’s fine, Teddy. I know you have a good sense about people.” He nudged Pada.

“That is true. Just be sure to listen to your third eye or whatever.”

“I don’t think it’s the third eye.”

“I don’t know, caro, whatever it is. Use that good sense.” Pada patted his shoulder. “How do you feel about going shopping as a treat? It always makes you feel better.”

Teddy smiled, putting aside whatever his parents thought about Eleanor because she seemed just fine to him. “Yeah, I can’t resist. Can we go to that second hand place?”

“Of course,” Dad mumbled around biting his cookie.

Not long after his parents finished the cookies and Teddy was in his new Recovery sweatshirt, he was picking around one of his favorite shops. Dad was lost to searching through their immense book collection while Pada was trawling through the racks. Teddy was looking at the shoes as usual, and occasionally Pada would come show him something.

Just as he turned on to a new shelf they appeared next to him holding up a skirt. “Piccolino, how about this? It’d looked good on your long legs. Maybe a little short, but —“

Teddy was only half listening because his eyes fell on the most beautiful pair of shoes. Patent leather black boots with buckles up the front. On the side was a beaded red rose and gold leaf. The back had a zip, and the heel was clear and filled with pearls and little flowers. Just as he reached for it Pada did too.

“No way, these are my boots.” Teddy held onto the toe of the boot. “They’re my size.”

“Which is also my size!” Pada tugged the boot towards them.

Teddy tugged back. “Why do you have such big feet for being so short?”

Pada let out a gasp. “Not all of us are giants.” They tried to pull the boot out of Teddy’s grasp again.

“Pada, these are too _ young  _ for you.”

“Betrayal!” They yanked again, causing Teddy to stumble into them.

Teddy laughed then put on a sad face, not that it was too difficult to muster. “I just went through a breakup with the love of my life.” He regained his balance before pulling the shoe toward his body, causing Pada to fall into him.

“No, you can’t use that, it’s unfair.”

“Pada please! These will go great with that skirt.” Teddy nodded to the now discarded black skirt on the ground as Pada tried to pry the shoe from his grasp.

Teddy attempted to pull the boot back so fast that it slipped from Pada’s grip, but the movement caused both of them to fall on the floor. “Pada,” Teddy hissed, losing hold on the boot as they both hit the ground.

Before either of them could reach for the boot, Dad’s hand came down to scoop it up. “What on earth are you two doing?”

Teddy managed to stand up before Pada. “I wanted the shoe and Pada tried to take it from me.”

“Teddy called me  _ old _ , caro.” Pada huffed as they got to their feet. “They’re so pretty! Think of all the outfits I can wear them with.”

Teddy rolled his eyes. “They’re exactly my style and belong in my collection.”

Dad glanced between them. “And there’s only one pair.”

Pada nodded, slipping an arm around Dad’s waist. “Please.”

“Dad,” Teddy all but whined. He wanted the damn shoes. “The only happiness in my life are those shoes right now.”

“Okay, annwyl.” Dad nodded and Pada deflated a little. “Maybe Pada can borrow them?”

“Fine,” Teddy agreed before picking up the skirt. “If that’s what it’s going to take.”

“Deal.” Pada kissed Dad on the cheek.

One day he’d find a love like theirs, he thought while snatching the other shoe before anyone changed their mind. Something long lasting and able to get over rough spots. Maybe Jordan just couldn’t handle tough choices and only could deal with easy things. It wasn’t even hard yet for them, really, even if three months felt like years.

As they went to the register to pay, Teddy’s phone buzzed in his pocket. Once he dropped his boot and the skirt on the counter, he pulled out his phone to see a text from Eleanor.

**_Hey Tedz, how about we get drinks tomorrow?_ ** **😘**

For a second he stared at the screen in surprise, thinking he wouldn’t have heard from Eleanor until she had moved to London. But lacking friends, and needing to get out, Teddy decided to restrengthen their friendship.

👌🏼 _ perfect _


	5. Chapter 5

Less than a month later, Teddy was off to London for the weekend. He had spent some time with Eleanor before she left to settle into her flat and start school. They rekindled their old friendship easily, and Teddy was happy to have someone to complain about Jordan that didn’t have many ties to him. When she had left they texted often, and she sent him pictures of cute guys she saw around campus.

“Do you have everything you need?” Dad asked as he stopped at the train station. Teddy was sort of happy Pada was teaching this afternoon so they weren’t around to drive him. 

Since they had commented about Eleanor being stuck up, Teddy decided not to talk about her a lot -- especially in front of Pada. Granted they were more than surprised when he told his parents he was going to London for the weekend to hang out with her. Teddy worried they would protest and he’d have to feel bad about going, but they weren’t those types of parents. Plus, he was an adult.

“Yeah, Dad. Plus, I can go to the store if I need something,” Teddy teased him because Dad was always worried about that traveling. It wasn’t as if he was far away either, London wasn’t that long a ride.

“I know, I know.” He glanced at the clock. “Be safe, okay?”

“I always am, Dad.” Teddy rolled his eyes before checking his phone to see Eleanor had texted him about how they were going to have friends over later for a party. “I’m going, don’t worry about me all weekend and tell Pada she’s not a snob.”

Dad scoffed. “I will not, I don’t worry.”

Teddy hesitated for a moment before hugging Dad. “You be safe.”

“We always are.” Dad kissed his forehead.

Once he grabbed his bag from the back, Teddy headed for the train to make the journey. He spent the trip reading  _ I Wish You All The Best _ . It was probably a stupid idea because it included romance, and Teddy felt even more down than he was to begin with but the time he got into London. But, Teddy was determined to have a good time this weekend. He was going to just go with the flow.

Eleanor waited at the bus stop she told Teddy to get off at, looking her usual cool girl self. Her hair was now dyed a neon green with perfectly cut fringe brushing against her forehead. Wearing a grey cropped sweatshirt, round sunglasses, and baggy ripped jeans, Eleanor leaned back against the shopwall behind her. “Teddy! Hey babes!” She hugged him when he came to stand in front of her.

“Hi El, all right?”

“Come on! I don’t live that far a walk away. Everyone is coming over later, but we can do dinner now then get sorted.” Eleanor tugged him along. “Tomorrow we can go out to a club, but everyone wanted to stay in tonight.”

Teddy noded, shouldering his bag as he looked around at the trendy shops and posh cafés. The windows of the shops displayed casual clothes that Teddy was sure Eleanor would have in her closet. There was a faux artsy, roughness to the area with art murals instead of graffitti.  _ Trendy _ sprang to mind as Teddy and Eleanor got to her building. Trendy and expensive as shit because Teddy had been looking at places in and around London in case Jordan wanted to go to college there…

“And here we are,” Eleanor said as she opened the door to her apartment.

Since he followed her move in on Instagram, he wasn’t shocked to see the very aesthetic apartment. Everything was modern and white or black with pops of pastels. It all looked so perfect, and it was a far cry from his messy room covered in art and band merch. Not to mention Eleanor’s room alone was the size of his room plus the dance room. She had a bed and a loveseat.

“It pulls out in a bed, so we can do that later for you.” She waved her hand at it as Teddy set his bag down. “Come on, let’s have some drinks. I make this thing called The Dynasty and it’s fucking delish.”

“Yeah? I’ll take whatever.” As long as it had alcohol in it right now he was thrilled to drink it. Even though he and Eleanor had got together a few times before she had left, he still felt out of place in her flat. Maybe it was just the obvious wealth of it all. Jordan would have probably made fun of it in a low voice when Eleanor was occupied.

Pushing the thought of Jordan out of his head, Teddy had a few drinks as Eleanor filled him in on her and her sister’s friends. Teddy was nervous and excited to meet new people, but the alcohol made it all easier. He had stalked most of them online, so he knew somewhat about them but not enough to put him at complete ease.

By the time Eleanor was changed into tight jeans and a lacey tank top, Teddy was buzzed. Maddie, Eleanor’s sister, also made an appearance prior to the party. Maddie barely spoke two words to Teddy, aside from offering him a hit from her bowl. He eagerly accepted, not thinking much about how Dad and Grandma would complain about not knowing where the weed came from. 

Right then and there, Teddy decided to just not give a fuck. Sure, he was attempting to go with the flow before but now he was slightly pissed, he realized that he was still being guarded and thinking about other people. Letting  _ everything  _ go meant including whatever rules and expectations he placed on himself because clearly none of that worked before. Fuck everything, he was going to have a good time.

The flat was soon filled with quite a few people, who all seemed to be attempting to outdo each other on how trendy and cool they were. They all seemed to be living some sort of social media influencer life. Instead of insulting them, Teddy dove in and listened to the conversations about follower counts and likes. He even took some pictures with a couple of girls who kept gushing about his curls.

It was as if he had transported into another reality. A place where everyone was good looking and upper middle class. Somewhere that Teddy didn’t mind so much as he got to talking with the people that were there. They were all a good time and liked talking to Teddy. They even had decent taste in music, at least the few he chatted to about it. There was a girl studying ballet who had even gushed about how she had seen Teddy and the studio from Dance UK, which erased any lasting nerves he may have had. Normally he would have brushed them all off before, and never given them the time of day. But it was punk to accept everyone, even people like this who were decidedly not punk or alt in anyway.

Bordering on completely wasted, Teddy went to find another drink as his new apparent friends decided they should break out the coke. He’d never done hard drugs before, so he didn’t want to make an arse out of himself with that somehow. It wasn’t that he was completely opposed to the idea, he just worried what others would think of him if he did it wrong or had a strange reaction. “Teds! This is Simon!” Eleanor appeared at his side in the kitchen.

Simon gave Teddy a smile that showed his perfect pearly white teeth. He was handsome in a very straightforward way. Perfect blonde hair and blue eyes, nearly as tall as Teddy. “All right?” Simon asked.

“You two will get on.” Eleanor winked before leaving Simon there with Teddy.

“She’s a bit full on,” he said, reaching past Teddy to the vodka.

Teddy watched him pour the vodka into his glass for a moment before actually answering. “She can be.” He leaned back against the counter, not sure what to say to this unsettlingly good looking person.

Simon set the bottle down. “I like your curls.”

He laughed because his hair apparently was such a big topic. Really, his hair was far more boring than it usually looked, seeing as it was as close to his natural hair color for the first time in a very long time. “Yeah, everyone keeps saying that.”

“They should, you’ve got nice hair.” He eyed Teddy over his glass, taking a long sip.

_ Was he flirting _ , Teddy wondered. “Yeah? I grew it myself.”  _ Christ,  _ he sounded like a fucking idiot.

Instead of an eye roll, Teddy got a burst of laughter from Simon, as if it was the funniest thing he ever said. It was a terrible dad joke his drunk brain thought was a good line, and apparently Simon loved it. “That’s good! That was good. I haven’t heard that.”

He reached for the whisky. “Really?”

“No.” Simon moved a little closer.

Teddy realized that he was completely shit at flirting, he never really had to do it. Before Jordan, he never had much interest in anyone aside from passing crushes he never really pursued. How many experiences had he missed out while being in such a long relationship as a teenager? Being with one person for four years and only hanging out with the same people all the time, many of which were basically family, limited his experiences. Maybe that was why he didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life.

“You know El from…”

“Dealing to her.”

Not the answer he was expecting. “Your weed’s shit,” Teddy shot back easily since there wasn’t much of a barrier between his thoughts and his words at the moment.

Simon scoffed. “What do you know?”

“I grow my own.” For some reason saying that he got weed from his grandmother didn’t sound like something he wanted to disclose to this guy.

“Well, I can’t say that I do. I also don’t grow any of my shit but people seem to enjoy it. Maybe you’d like the coke or the molly or the LSD better?”

Now or never it seemed. “I don’t know if I can trust your judgement when you sell shit weed.”

Simon shrugged one shoulder, digging into his pocket. “We can do a line and then you can tell me if you think all my product is shit.”

“I’m not falling for the first line’s free bullshit.” Teddy watched Simon pull the little baggie out of his pocket.

“I’m not gonna pull that, I swear.” He poured some of the white powder out on the counter.

Teddy’s heart started to beat a little faster in his chest as he watched Simon. Even though he was trying to just go with it and fuck everything somewhere in the back of his mind he could hear Dad talking about drugs and how dangerous things could be. It felt like he was crossing some sort of line here, no pun intended. Thinking about it, even if it was hard to do so in his alcohol soaked brain, Teddy didn’t care right now.

So when Simon handed home a rolled note, he leaned over the counter without any hesitation.


	6. Chapter 6

Somehow it was already Sunday afternoon and Teddy had to head home soon enough. She was laying in bed with El on their phones not talking, but nursing their massive hangovers. Teddy was barely looking at the screen in front of her as she thought about the last two nights.

Friday was a blur after the coke, and she ended up shagging Simon in Eleanor’s bathroom. It was all sorts of messy, but she was so drunk and high it didn’t even matter because it was a good time. Everyone was still in the living room partying when they were hooking up. Teddy had never even done that with Jordan before. Simon was so good looking that Teddy’s brain and body didn’t really give a fuck about all the other people near by. The drugs and alcohol probably helped too.

Then last night they went to a club after day-drinking all afternoon. Teddy was only somewhat surprised the door person let them all in so completely smashed. But her intoxication just got worse when someone got the coke out. Never one for clubs that didn’t have bands playing and were packed full of people in tight clothes with loud repetitive dance music, Teddy had the best night surprisingly. She made out with one of the girls (Cara? Court? Cammie?) and ended up hooking up with her back at the flat.

The last few days were completely out of character for Teddy, and she knew it. It was fun though, to sink into this different life with these people. There weren’t any expectations of who she was, and she could just have a good time. She could hook up with whoever and do whatever because no one was there to stop her. She could get lost and forget about all her problems because with this group there seemed to be none.

“You’ll come back next weekend, Teds?” El asked her.

“If I can, yeah.” Teddy couldn’t remember if she was meant to teach some workshop next weekend or not. “Maybe not Friday, but Saturday night I can be here for sure.”

“Fab, everyone loves you. It’s all  _ I love Teddy, he’s fucking hilarious, why haven’t we always known him _ ?”

The wrong pronouns twisted at that spot in her chest that ached when being misgendered, causing a certain itching under her skin that made her so uncomfortable she could hardly stand it. For some reason she couldn’t tell Eleanor what her pronouns were today though. She never asked, neither did anyone else. But she has been feeling super masculine the last few days so who could know. But…

“Anyway, you had a good time, right?” She asked her with puppy dog eyes.

“A fucking fabulous time, El.” She pushed on in the conversation, hoping to shake the feeling.

“Good. Next weekend there’s this EDM thing on Saturday. You’ll have another fucking fabulous time.”

Teddy agreed, so thankful for this new outlet. She was dreading going home. Going back to herself into a life she had no direction in. Nothing felt good back home because she had no clue what she wanted. At least here she just wanted to have a good time and could get it easily.

After some toast and coffee, Teddy headed for home. She was miserable the entire ride, feeling exhausted and nauseous. At least the nausea kept her awake so she didn’t miss her stop. Even though she knew Dad was going to be at the station because he had texted her he was leaving, she was wishing for someone else (not Auntie Mary or Pada) to pick her up. She knew he was going to ask her all about the weekend and she was going to have to lie.

When she got to the car she found Pada in the passenger seat. “Hi piccolina!”

Teddy tried not to frown. “Hey Pada, Dad.” She climbed into the back seat.

“Hi annwyl, did you have a good time?” Dad asked.

“Yeah, why’d you both come pick me up?” Teddy hoped the laugh at the end of the question played it off as not being too serious.

“Because we miss our kid.” Pada turned in their seat to look at Teddy as they pulled away from the station.

“I’m not a kid,” Teddy spoke quickly, making her Pada frown.

“I know you’re not a kid, you’re nineteen, but we can still miss you even if you’re just away for a weekend.”

She nodded, biting her lip and pulling her legs up onto the seat. “Sorry.”

“Someone seems a little touchy. Hungover?” Pada softened a little.

“Kind of,” she scoffed because it was an understatement. “I just want to get home and sleep. I had fun with Eleanor though.”

“What’d you two do?” Dad asked.

Teddy didn’t make it a habit of lying to her parents. Maybe once or twice she did and she ended up telling them the truth eventually anyway. She knew they’d hate how she spent her weekend. “She showed me around her neighborhood and I met some of her friends. We went to a bar last night.”

“I’m glad you had a good time, Teddy.”

“Me too, we just want you to be okay and do what you need to right now.” Pada reached back and patted her on the knee. “Did you buy anything good?”

Teddy shook her head. “I don’t always have to shop.”

“Teddy, your Pada is just talking. You don’t have to be so sharp with them. I understand that you’re hungover, but I’m not a fan of the tone.” Dad glanced back in the rear view mirror.

“Sorry,” she said in a soft voice. “I didn’t buy anything, it was all too bloody expensive.”

Pada watched her for a moment, as if they were trying to decipher something. “That’s what happens in London, hmm?” They turned back around in their seat.

Teddy had no clue if she should have been happy to be left alone or upset because they probably hurt Pada’s feelings. She tried not to think too much about it because at least it was quiet now.

When they got home, Teddy went right to her room without a word. Dad said dinner would be ready in an hour or so, but Teddy wasn’t hungry. Once she tossed her bag aside, she went for where she kept her stash. It was only tucked away so Bucky couldn’t get to it seeing as her parents smoked enough of their own weed. When Pada found it they laid into her about not cleaning their grinder and making sure Bucky couldn’t get at it. In regards to both offenses Dad said,  _ I’m raising a stoner, not a moron Teddy, get it together _ . Pada shrieked with laughter far too long about it.

Packing the bowl, Teddy tried her best to not think about being at home and any responsibilities she may have. Tomorrow would begin a week of work, and putting on a happy face because she didn’t want anyone to ask questions about how she was feeling. It was shit that it had been over a month and everyone was still insinuating about Jordan. She wanted to move on, so maybe if she put out into the world she was moving on it would be better. Partying, hooking up with other people, and just doing what she wanted made her feel better so she’d soldier on through things this week. Then, over the weekend, she’d be able to do whatever she wanted.

By the time Friday came around Teddy was dying to get to London. All week she had been in the group chat with a bunch of the people she had partied with over the weekend. Apparently the EDM thing was just an excuse to do molly and have sex. Teddy wasn’t opposed to either, even if she wasn’t into the music. Molly was probably a good break from doing coke because her nasal passages were killing her after last weekend. Though she did like how it made her feel, like she could conquer the world and just keep going.

As she came home from the studio, she found Dad still out, and she knew Pada wouldn’t be home for a while. She hunkered down on the sofa with a cider and some cookies, trying not to go pack and just head to London. If anything was stopping her it was needing money and avoiding any argument between herself and Pada. They had been dropping comments about El all week and how Teddy seemed to be  _ in a mood _ \-- whatever that meant.

Her phone buzzed next to her to find that Ro was trying to FaceTime. With a huff, she answered it because Ro would just keep trying. Never having a sibling, Teddy always saw Ro as an older sister. Teddy was close to all her family, but she and Ro always had a special connection. “Hey Roro.”

“Teddy! Pronouns?” She asked as her face appeared on screen. Recently she had shaved her head and started wearing these new red frames that were a knockout and something Great Uncle Riley probably wore. She looked fucking fabulous.

“She/her.” Teddy took a sip of her cider.

“You’re in London tomorrow?”

“You saw that in the future?’

Ro rolled her eyes. “Teddy, I can’t actually  _ see _ things, you know that. I saw you comment on some picture of a mutual. You’re hanging out with an interesting group.”

Teddy tilted her head. “Just say what you’re thinking.”

“They’re not good people, I don’t think. They’re not your type of people either.”

“What type of people? Different than what I grew up around?” She took a long sip of her cider. So what if they were different from who she normally hung out with? That didn’t mean they were bad people or people that weren’t looking out for Teddy.

“There are better people you can meet and hangout with, Teddy. These people only care about certain things that aren’t good for your state of mind.”

“I don’t know, I was in a great state of mind last weekend,” she quipped.

Ro’s brow pinched. “I care about you, Teddy, and I want you to be happy. I know you’re in a time of upheaval right now, and that you’re not seeing and judging things the way you normally do, so I wish you’d listen to those who can see these things around you.”

Teddy bit her cheek, not sure how to respond. No one knew what was good for her. She was the only one who could see from inside of herself. “There’s nothing that you can say right now that’s going to change my mind. You don’t need to worry, Ro, okay?”

“Well, I can and I will. When you’re in London tomorrow or Sunday, can we go to do coffee or tea?” She asked.

“I’m getting in tomorrow just in time to go out, and I need to get back early Sunday,” Teddy lied because he didn’t want Ro to give her another  _ talk _ while she was trying to have a good time.

“You’re lying to me, but you must have a good excuse. So, tell me what you’re up to huh? What’s going on outside of London?”

Nothing was happening because Teddy had nothing that she wanted. That wasn’t true, she just wanted to have a direction of what to do the next year. Teddy had so many different interests growing up, that she never settled into anything. Now she was meant to do that? Find that one thing she was good at? It was impossible.


	7. Chapter 7

Teddy pulled on his tight black jeans, trying to hurry to get out of the studio in order to catch the next train. In his haste he didn’t dry off well enough and trying to get into tight jeans while just slightly damp never worked. He was going to take the bus this time, telling Pada and Dad that he was absolutely fine and an adult who wanted to take public transport. It would save him the questions and the looks that he had been getting from the both of them lately.

Speaking of, Pada was knocking on the bathroom door. “Are you sure you don’t want a ride, piccolino? Dad’s stopping to get me and we’re heading in that direction to go climbing.”

“No, I’m fine.” Teddy was panting, still working the jeans up his legs. Why was this more of a work out than anything he did?

“Teddy, I wanted to remind you to be safe.” Pada’s voice was hesitant, making Teddy pause in what he was doing. “I’m so excited that you’re making new friends and you’re branching out but not everyone is as wonderful as our group.”

Trying not to roll his eyes, Teddy went back to getting the pants over his hips. Everything felt like a thinly veiled jab at Eleanor lately. “I know Pada, I’m not stupid.”

“I never said you were, I’m saying other people are. Look out for yourself out there and know that Dad and I will always be around, no matter what. I know you’re going through things, but you seem like you’re pulling away from us and having this late teenage rebellion. I won’t force you to talk about it, but we’re here. Even if that time to talk is two in the morning and out of your mind, Dad and I will drive down to London to get you.”

Teddy leaned against the cool but humid tile behind him. This wasn’t some rebellion, this was just him working things out. There was nothing to rebel against, was there? He was just trying to find some footing and something good right now. “Yeah, Pada, I know.”

“And don’t mind if your Dad is panicking, don’t worry, it’s because he’s an anxious mess who loves you. He won’t be disappointed in you with any type of late night call, okay?”

“Yeah,” Teddy all but whispered, feeling like they would both be slightly disappointed if they knew what he did last week. Dad would lose his mind if he found out Teddy was doing drugs harder than weed, especially not knowing where they came from. Pada would be disappointed that Teddy slept with two people and he couldn’t really remember if they used condoms. After all the sex ed chats he had with Pada, he couldn’t remember if he used a bloody condom because he was so caught up in it. No, he was just so high that nothing mattered but how he felt.

In silence, Teddy pulled on his shirt before finally grabbing his bag. When he opened the door he found Pada lingering by the door. They were pacing and biting their lip. “I thought you weren’t going to force me to talk.” Teddy knew the look that Pada was giving them.

“Will you stop? I just want to say that I love you, piccolino.” Pada pulled them into a tight hug. “I’m a little nervous for you.”

“You don’t have to be nervous for me, I’m just having fun.”

“You’re just not yourself, Teddy, I’m worried. I know you’re growing up, but it feels different.” They still were hugging him.

They were right, he wasn’t himself but it felt like he had no clue who he was. “Pada, it’s okay. I have to get going if I want to catch the next train.” Teddy patted their shoulder.

Pada let him go, looking as if they were putting on a smile because it didn’t quite reach their eyes. “Fine, get going before Dad gets here and makes you take the ride.”

Without a second wasted, Teddy said goodbye and hustled out the door to make his way to the train. He spent his entire trip staring out the window, watching the landscapes go by and trying not to think about what Pada had said to them. They seemed so worried for Teddy closing them off, but he wasn’t. Okay, no, maybe he  _ was _ but he wanted to find himself a little. He didn’t need his parents and his family every step of the way, trying to figure out what to do and who he wanted to be.

It had been over a month since Jordan broke up with him, and he still had that empty spot in his heart. He was still lost with his future, but that had to be expected. Four years were ripped away from Teddy, four years that had shaped him dramatically. Maybe if he hadn’t been with Jordan, he would have figured out what he wanted to be when he grew up. It wasn’t Jordan’s fault or his parents’ fault -- it was his own fault. 

Maybe over the coming week Teddy could start looking for jobs that weren’t at his parents’ places. He could maybe try something with cooking or food service, just to see if he actually liked it or not. Or even taking a class. There had to be something for him to figure out his way, but thinking about it didn’t spark any kind of excitement. Teddy loved cooking, but he wasn’t sure if he could see himself as a chef or in a restaurant. He couldn’t see himself doing  _ anything _ but just working at Ascendance and Recovery the rest of his life. That was a miserable thought to have. A thought he was going to again push away for the night and the next morning at the very least. 

Eleanor greeted Teddy with a very strong drink that vaguely reminded him of something that Auntie Marly would make. She was chattering on about the night, and how she was going to wear her tie dye crop top with white shorts and neon fishnet tights. She insisted Teddy not change anything and stay in his black pants and black shirt. He wanted to dress up and go mad with neon, but apparently none of the  _ blokes _ were wearing what the girls wore. The comment made Teddy hesitate, but he got a feeling that not everyone would understand that he was genderqueer. Like Pada said, not everyone was as understanding as the group back in Godric’s.

“You’re going to love it. I know you prefer punk, but it’s fun. It’s better music than what we heard at the club last week.” Eleanor was sitting at her large white vanity, it was something a beauty Youtuber would have owned. It was filled with palettes and lipstick and everything Teddy could ever dream of owning. His own vanity contained just a small fraction of what Eleanor had.

“I like more than just punk.” Teddy took a long sip of his drink. He was starting on drink two already, but was going to not have more because Simon suggested not being drunk when he rolled.

“I know that.” She waved a hand before picking up a thing of glitter. “You know, Nick was totally fucking jealous that you hooked up with Simon and Court last weekend.” Eleanor leaned closed to her mirror as she carefully applied the glitter paste to the high points of her cheeks.

Teddy scrubbed a hand through his curls, thinking about Nick. All the guys in the group looked like bloody models and it was weird for Teddy. Why would they want him? It wasn’t that he was ugly, but he didn’t fit the box like the rest of them, did he?

“He’s gay but I hear he’s got a big cock.” She leered at him. “Please confirm if you do.”

Teddy scoffed. “If he’s bragging it’s not that big.”

“I don’t know where the rumor started.” She shook her head as she set the glitter pot down. “Court’s tits are fake, right?” Eleanor leaned forward on her stool.

He could hardly remember the girl’s name, how was he supposed to answer that question? “I’m not answering.”

“ _ Teds _ , you have to!” Eleanor pouted at him, batting her long, faux eyelashes at him.

“I don’t remember.”

“Ah, no, they have to be fake they’re so perfect.” She laughed. “Whatever, I’ll find out one day.”

Teddy was wondering if he was missing something because whether someone had fake boobs or not seemed like none of his business.

“Her tits will be out tonight, so maybe you’ll remember.”

By the time they got to the club, Teddy was able to forget about the talk about some breast implants. He was far more interested in the molly, which was being consumed by nearly everyone in the large factory sized club it seemed. When Simon got to him, he grinned at Teddy.

“What?” Teddy asked as he handed over the money.

“Nothing, you look good.” Simon pressed close to him before kissing him.

The kiss took Teddy by surprise but he quickly got caught up in it. His breath hitched as he teased into Simon’s mouth, tasting whatever vodka drink he had just probably downed. The feeling of his hands on Teddy’s back made him feel good and wanted. He wanted to just get completely swept up in kissing for a moment.

Simon pulled back before slipping a small round pill into Teddy’s hand. “Have fun.”

Teddy looked down at his hand at the small pink pill for a moment. Hesitation washed over him, but before he could let it consume him, he put the pill in his mouth and swallowed it down with the glass of water on the table in front of him.

Out of nowhere, Nick and Ashleigh came up next to him. Ashleigh was the girl studying dance, so he felt more than happy to be around her. “Come one Teddy! Let’s go dance,” Nick said as he put an arm around Teddy’s shoulders.

“It takes a half hour.”

“I know,” Teddy yelled over the music. He was going to go say he read about it, but it felt weird to put it that way.

Nick nodded, pulling him closer as they made their way to the dance floor. Eventually they found a spot within the crush of people to dance together. Ashleigha was doing her own thing but Nick stayed close to him, his body against Teddy’s from chest to thighs as they moved together to the music.

As much as he wasn’t a fan of the EDM, he could appreciate a good beat to dance to even if it didn’t fit the genres he was used to at the studio. It was a different type of experience too. The music ran through him in a different way. He could feel the bass in his chest, running through his body to his fingertips and toes. That was even before he was off his head.

When the molly kicked it, it felt like heaven. Everything was just perfect and the music was sending him somewhere else entirely then. Every touch of Nick’s fingers and every kiss he started to press against his skin set his body on fire. It was all so overwhelming but in the most euphoric way.

Teddy’s whole body was so warm as if he was flushing all over from sex. He wanted to close his eyes and get lost, but the way the green and blue and purple lights were playing on the walls and ceiling was mesmerizing. When he would get lost in the lights for a moment, he would be dragged back by Nick and his touch. He didn’t want any of it to end. Everything was just  _ perfect _ .


	8. Chapter 8

Rolling over, Teddy found that he wasn’t anywhere that he recognized. It wasn’t El and Maddie’s flat and he certainly wasn’t home. The panic flooded through him as he scrambled to sit up, trying to get a gauge on where he was. Thankfully he recognized the person next to him even if his perfect hair was a mess. Nick didn’t seem to be moving, even with Teddy up and about. 

He tried to stay quiet as he looked for his phone, eventually finding it on the floor with his jeans and briefs. Dread and shock ran through him as he realized that it was four thirty in the fucking afternoon. Teddy had no clue what time they had got in last night or in the morning, whatever it was. All he could remember was how mind blowing the sex was and how it seemed to go on for ages.

Anything he could remember about the night all faded away when he looked at his screen under the time.

Pada (5 Missed Calls & 2 Voicemails)

Dad (5 Missed Calls & 5 Voicemails)

**Dad**   
Are you on the train? You said you were leaving on the 14:15 train today.

**Dad**   
Teddy?

**Dad**   
I’ll get you from the station, just got to know

**Pada**   
Call us and let us know your plans

**Pada**   
we were thinking about ordering Thai tonight, maybe I can order it just in time for you to get in depending on the train.

 **Dad**   
Anytime you want to answer...

 **Pada**   
Teddy, where are you?

**Uncle Reggie**   
Kid, what’s the matter? If you can’t tell your parents I’m here.

**Neville**   
What on earth is happening? Mum’s acting like I know where you are as if I’m not up in Scotland

**Dad**   
I’m genuinely worried about you right now, call someone, anyone and just let us know you’re alright.

**Luna**   
Are you all right?

**Hettie**

What’s going on????

**Dad**   
Call me back

**Pada**   
I love you piccolino, whatever is going on we can take care of it

**Auntie Marly**   
Look, I’m sure you’re having a brilliant time somewhere but your parents are looking for you

**Pada**   
?????????????

**Ro**   
I know you’re okay but please let someone know.

**Dad**   
You’re an adult but you said you’d be heading home by now and we haven’t heard a peep

**Harry**   
Call your parents you’re freaking us out

**Pada**   
We’re worried, please just let us know you’re alright

Teddy wished he didn’t feel mostly angry as he pulled on his clothes from the night before. Couldn’t he just live? They didn’t need to know where he was all the time. If he didn’t live at home it wasn’t like they would care to check in like that.

_ Heading home in an hour. Lost my phone. _

He sent the message to both his parents once he figured out how far Eleanor’s place was from Nick’s. Thankfully it was close by to walk over, the entire time he ignored his messages because he could feel the annoyance building up more and more inside of him. Why was it a big deal for him to not detail his every move? He needed to move out.

When he got to El’s she greeted him with a hug and a kiss, asking how big Nick’s dick was. It was an all right size, but nothing so big that it needed to be bragged about. This information made Eleanor laugh for some reason while Teddy changed. He felt disgusting, but he didn’t have time to shower. If he were any later his parents would probably call Interpol.

Teddy managed to make it out of the flat and to the station on time to catch the next train out to Godric’s. He looked back to his phone to see more messages from Dad and Pada along with some missed calls. He groaned because he couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t let him be an adult for 24 hours.

When he got off the train he saw Dad’s car in the parking lot, so he went the other way for the bus stop. He didn’t want to deal with whatever they were going to do or say about this right now. All he wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep some more. Possibly look up some things about coming down from molly because he felt like trash. His parents were just going to lecture him and tell him all the things he had done wrong.

As Teddy was waiting for the bus, Dad’s car pulled up. His stomach twisted, not wanting to make a scene at the stop. Pada seemed to be out before the car stopped. Their eyes were a little red and bloodshot, causing Teddy to feel even more ill. He didn’t mean to upset them so much, but he also needed to be free to do what he wanted.

“Piccolino,” they said before wrapping Teddy in a tight hug. “You scared the shit out of us.”

“I left my phone behind at the club,” Teddy lied, letting Pada hug them.

“I’m sorry but I don’t believe you.”

He huffed, not looking to Dad in the car because he was probably angry too. “Why? I was pissed and left it on the table. I got up late and didn’t get to the club to pick up until—”

“Teddy, what’s the matter? Please?” They pulled back to look at him. Pada’s eyes were dancing over his face as if looking for clues.

“I didn’t mean to worry anyone.” He wiggled out of Pada’s grip, readjusting the bag on his shoulder.

“Well, you worried us, everyone.”

“I didn’t realize everyone would know.”

“Come on, get in the car before we get a ticket for being in the bus lane.” Pada opened the back door for him.

Teddy hesitated before climbing in. Dad said hi but nothing else, which was probably worse because clearly he was angry.

Pada turned in their seat to look at Teddy with those searching eyes again. “Whatever it is, you can tell us.”

“I told you, I left my phone at the club because I was drunk,” he repeated because what else could he say? “I’m sorry I worried anyone. It was stupid of me.”

“Teddy—”

“Pada, you told me you wouldn’t force me to talk. Why are you trying to force me to talk when there’s nothing to talk about?” His voice had an edge of annoyance to it. “I made a drunken mistake.”

“We know that you’re not okay. We just want our Teddy, you know?”

“I’m not a child.” Teddy rolled his eyes.

“You’re still our son, piccolino.”

“You didn’t have to call and text so much. If I didn’t live with you it wouldn’t matter.”

“We’d still talk, I hope.” Pada’s brows creased.

“Not every bloody hour.”

“No but if you were having a tough time we’d check in a lot.”

“I don’t need you to check in every fucking—“

“ _ Enough _ .” Dad finally spoke and Teddy’s stomach gave another twist at the tone. “That’s enough Teddy, I’m done with this fucking attitude that you’re carrying around.”

“I don’t have an attitude!” Teddy pushed back.

“You have fucking something and it’s not what you usually have. I’m sick of you talking back to Sirius when they’re trying to help.”

“Trying to help? They—”

“Are doing their best not to intrude into your life even though something is wrong. Yet, you’re sounding like a brat. We raised you better.”

Teddy sunk a little in his seat. “I’m trying to tell you that nothing is wrong and I’m fine.”

Pada looked Teddy over once more before they turned back in their seat. No one spoke the rest of the way home, making anxiety crawl under his skin. They were probably ready to get rid of him out of the house now. How could he blame them? It didn’t matter anyway because he wanted to leave the house and have his own life. He had enough money in his savings to rent somewhere small, maybe.

When they got back to the house, Teddy went right up to his room with Bucky on his heels. Instead of crawling into bed he went to throwing his clothes in the laundry before getting PJs to change into once he took a much needed shower. He was covered in sweat and parts of his body were uncomfortably itchy from come. Again, Teddy couldn’t remember if he used condoms or not, which flooded him with shame.

Just as he was about to go to shower, wracking his memory for some semblance of a wrapper or  _ anything,  _ he found Dad reaching to knock on the door. “I’m going to shower,” he blurted.

Dad let out a long sigh. “Teddy--”

“Dad, what?” He leaned against the doorframe.

“There’s the attitude again, Teddy. I’m trying to have a conversation with you, and you’re brushing me off before I get there. You may be an adult, but that doesn’t give you any right to act this way towards myself and your Pada.”

“Then I’ll move out.” Teddy looked down. “I’ll start looking for a place.”

Dad let out a sharp laugh. “What? Teddy, we’re not saying you need to leave. I’m just trying to talk to you and find out how to help you. You need some support and--”

“I’m trying to figure out what I want to do.”

“Then let us help you.” He put a hand on Teddy’s shoulder. “Please, because how you’re acting isn’t how you are. It reminds me of me pulling away and it’s reminding your Pada of them doing impulsive things.”

Teddy was far too much like his parents, but he was so much more than just their traits. He was his own person with his own thoughts and personality. They always put these things on him. As if he wasn’t anything more than a culmination of their DNA. “I need to take a shower.”

“We’re ordering Thai, please come down and have some with us.”

“I’m not that hungry.” Teddy brushed Dad off. “I’m just going to shower and look for flats.”

The look on Dad’s face reminded Teddy of when Snuffles had died. “Teddy, really, there’s no need for you to leave.”

“If I want to be an adult, I think that I have to.” He managed to move past Dad.

“Moving out doesn’t make you an adult. Those friends you hang out with don’t make you an adult. Neither does getting drunk and doing whatever it is you’re doing.”

Teddy furrowed his brow. “I’m doing what I want to do.”

“I thought you didn’t know what you wanted.”

“I need to move out.”

Dad’s jaw tightened before giving a small nod of his head. “Right, right. Let us know when Pada and I can lend you a hand with your boxes then.”

The words cut into Teddy, shocking him because he never heard Dad speak like that to him. Instead of returning the snark, Teddy went into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. In return Dad shouted about not slamming doors before Teddy heard him walk down the stairs.

He slid down the closed door, putting his head on his knees. Everything was so fucked up, and he didn’t know how to fix it. He wished that he was in London, oblivious to everything that was wrong in his life.


	9. Chapter 9

“That’s good Frannie, just point your toes a little more.” Teddy instructed her student, going over to the little brunette girl with curly hair. Frannie was concentrating very hard on her foot, which was hilarious and sweet.

The only times she felt good at home these last few months was when she was teaching a class, whether here or at Recovery. They were weeks away from Novemeber now, and since the argument with Dad the other month, everything was completely stilted. Pada and Dad both kept trying to get her to talk, but she barely said more than a few words to them at a time. There wasn’t much family time, something they always had even when she was a teenager who pretended to hate her parents. The feeling in the house was stifling and Teddy didn’t want to be there, but sadly she couldn’t find a place to live while the money in her bank account was dwindling quickly.

Every Thursday or Friday night, depending on her schedule, she headed into London and didn’t come back until late on Sunday. Most of her cash was spent on train tickets, drinks, and whatever drugs that Simon wanted to offer at the time. Her new friends made Teddy feel good, and whenever she was drunk or high she felt good. It was miles better than what she sat with inside her when she was stuck at home. 

Now being away from Godric’s was about to become even more important since Jordan was set to return from his trip with his mum in a few weeks time. The idea that she had to share the same city with Jordan for the next however long made her nauseous. It was a small city, she were going to end up running into Jordan from time to time? What could she even say to him?  _ Thanks for leaving when I was having a tough time and you made it worse by breaking up with me. I still have no idea what I want to do with myself. Fuck you _ . For some reason Teddy wasn’t sure that could make any type of difference. If it did it’d be a negative one.

When she straightened up, Teddy saw the time and they were five minutes over class. She needed to be better because it always threw the day off schedule when she did that. At least she was done with classes now. 

“Okay, little ones, time to get going. Good class today.” She smiled at them as a couple of them hugged her legs before leaving the studio.

As the last few dancers shuffled out, Uncle Benjy came in waving Teddy’s phone. “Your parents said you need to get home.”

Teddy frowned, taking her phone to see a handful of messages from the both. They all came in five minutes ago, just when class was meant to get out. That was more than strange.

“I didn’t mean to look, but it kept going off.”

She bit her lip as her heart sank into her stomach. “Do you know what they want?”

“Nope, Sirius left right before this class started because Remus called. They didn’t say what it was. Sorry, Teddy.”

She walked over to pick up her sweatshirt, turning over possibilities in her head. Teddy had no idea what was going on. Even though things hadn’t been great recently, they hadn’ had any disagreements the last few days. Hopefully it wasn’t Bucky, they probably wouldn’t tell her over the phone if something had happened to him.

Once she had her things, she went to catch the bus home. Teddy tried to call on her way out the door, but no one answered, making her heart pound and palms sweat. Whatever it was, it wasn’t good if they didn’t want to talk about it until they got home. The anxiety didn’t ease, even when she walked through the front door.

When Bucky greeted her with a bark, she let out a little breath, at least he was okay. Then Teddy was called by Dad to come to the kitchen. She heard a certain tone in his voice that made her feel ill. Teddy wanted to run away to her room, lock the door, and pretend that whatever was waiting for her would just go away. That wasn’t the way life worked either, so she went through to find her parents.

Pada was standing by the counter, they had something in their eyes that made Teddy feel even more uneasy. When she looked to Dad at the table, biting at his nails, she realized what was wrong. In front of him was a small baggie of white powder. Teddy’s eyes stayed fixed on it for a moment, trying to figure out how to play it off. Thinking about how they were going through her things.

She had bought it off of Simon and had been using it off and on at home when she was feeling down. It was idiotic of her to bring it into the house and even more daft to have left it anywhere her parents could have found it.

“Do you need help, do you want…” Pada trailed off. “This is…”

“Not mine?” Teddy furrowed her brow, shifting from foot to foot. “Why did you go through my things? What an invasion of privacy.” The way her voice pitched at the end of the sentence made her cringe.

Dad glanced up at her, but didn’t say a word yet. She hated when he didn’t do anything when they were talking about serious things.

“Teddy, picolinna, stop it. Just stop and sit down and talk to us properly. We’re not the bad guys here.” Pada came over to her.

“You went through my things.” Teddy’s voice wavered as she spoke.

Dad shook his head. “I didn’t Teddy, I went to do your laundry because I was being nice, you know I do it for you from time to time. You’ve been working a lot recently so I thought I’d help you out. This was in the pocket of one of your jeans.”

Teddy bit her lip, trying to step away but Pada wrapped a hand around her wrist. “It’s not like I’m doing this all the time.”

“The fact that you’re doing this  _ at all _ is what I’m worried about. It’s been about two months since you started hanging out with these people and you’ve been a wreck since that first weekend in London.”

“This isn’t who you are Teddy. Even after you and Jordan broke up, you were sad but something changed when you started going to London and hanging out with these people.” Pada’s hand held onto their wrist tight.

“We get that everything you’re going through is hard. Trying to find your way in life after things get turned upside down is more than rough, we understand.”

“How do you two understand?” Teddy snapped. “You have everything you want.”

Pada dropped her wrist. “Excuse me, if you think that we have it easy, or didn’t go through any hardships when we were younger then you’re so wrong. Then we took a wrong fucking turn raising you, Teddy.”

Dad stood up, chair scraping across the floor. “What is wrong, Teddy? Why are you acting like this?”

Teddy rubbed her eyes, feeling even more lost now than she was just before she got home. “I should have moved out when I said I would.” She let out a little sniffle.

“Why didn’t you? Did you not have enough money or did you spend it all on coke?” Dad gestured to the bag.

Teddy wanted to crumple up and fall to the floor because it was  _ true _ . In two months her money had been nearly polished off because she was spending it all the time on not just drugs but everything around them. “I’m not addicted to it or anything.”

“Maybe that’s why you’re so irritable lately. Do you need to go to rehab? Do you need us… what do you need us to do?” Pada furrowed their brow.

“I don’t need anything from you.” The lump in Teddy’s throat felt as if it was getting bigger and bigger. It was joined by a knot in the center of her chest that made it feel like she was suffocating. “You all care about Jordan still and he broke my heart.” She sniffled, looking away. “I don’t know if you care--”

“We care, piccolino, we always care. We would do anything for you.”

“But treat me like an adult. But leave Jordan behind. But let me be me.”

“We haven’t spoken to Jordan at all, Teddy. This here isn’t you either.”

“He hurt my baby, I--”

“I’m not a baby,” she managed to snap at them again. “I’m an adult, Pada, why don’t you seem to understand that? You always harped on Dad about it but now it’s different? I don’t understand.”

“Teddy, if you just talked things out we could deal with this. Whatever you need, we’re here.”

“I don’t know, maybe we do treat you like a baby when you’re acting this way.” Dad leaned against the counter, folding his arms. His face was stone cold, not giving anything away.

She straightened up, trying to find some courage or strength or something akin to adulthood inside of her. “Fine. I’ll do the adult thing if you think I’m acting like a baby. I’ll leave and go live somewhere else.”

“Teddy…” Dad trailed off as the stone crumbled away.

“That’s not what your Dad means.” Pada reached for her but she stepped back towards the stairs.

“No, not at all, Teddy. You--”

“Maybe it’d just be better if I left because you’re both so annoyed with me right now and you’re treating me like a kid. It might just be better to go. I’ll go stay with Eleanor.”

“No,” Pada said in a stern voice that Teddy so rarely heard from them. “You’re not going there.”

“I’m not going there? Why not? I’m an adult, right? I can make my own choices.” Teddy swallowed against the persistent lump in her throat.

Dad rubbed a hand over his face. “Why don’t you just stay here and we can talk it out? If you’re so desperate to move out then we can find a way to help you out. We’ll look at what you have for money and places that are renting, but--”

“Just let me do something on my own!” Teddy threw a hand up.

“Okay, fine, then go,” Pada snapped. “If you really want to figure yourself out that way by running from your life to make a point then do it. Figure yourself out on your own if you’re so desperate for it. We’re always going to be here for you, but if you don’t need us right now there’s nothing we can do.” Teddy looked away, seeing tears gathering in Pada’s eyes.

When Dad didn’t say anything and only moved to hug Pada, Teddy went for the stairs. She tried not to burst into tears as she went to pack up one case of luggage and a backpack. Trying to narrow down her things to two small bags seemed like even less room than usual when she packed to go away. But she wasn’t taking a vacation, she was leaving. She was leaving everything behind that had any importance in her life.

The feeling of unrest and upheaval seemed to grow as Teddy packed away clothes into her bags. Now she was even more unstable and floating around without anyone to help -- not that she knew how she needed help. On top of it, she was so ashamed that her parents had found the coke and even more ashamed with how she had acted downstairs. But they didn’t get it, and Teddy couldn’t explain it properly. They kept treating her like a child.

Grabbing her things, Teddy lugged them down the stairs to make it for the door. She was trying her hardest not to start crying. That was nearly shattered when she heard her Pada  _ sobbing _ . It was muffled, probably by Dad hugging them still. Instead of stopping and looking at them, she walked right out the door because she knew that she'd just fall apart in the kitchen. Moving on and moving out had to be done. Hopefully she could fix things one day, but she needed to grow up first, her parents were right.

When she got to the station, after buying a ticket to London, Teddy found a spot to curl up and feel as small as she could. Teddy fished out her phone to see a bank deposit notification on her screen from Pada.  _ In case you need it _ , read the note for the deposit. The bubble of a sob that had been building nearly burst. Her parents cared about her so much, Teddy felt like an idiot for running, but she wasn’t sure if she could turn back because it wasn’t going to make things better. She had to see it through and stick to one thing for once in her life.

Instead Teddy unlocked her phone and sent a text to Eleanor. For a moment she panicked that she wasn’t going to have anywhere to stay once she got to London. Thankfully Eleanor answered and was going to be a good friend and let her stay with her and Maddie.

_ Big fight with my parents. _ _   
_ _ Coming to London _ _   
_ _ Can you have me? _

**_YES! Come! You know we love you_ ** **_  
_ ** **_We’ll get completely wasted tonight_ ** **_  
_ ** **_This week, we can do everything_ **

_ Yeah, everything _

**_Calling Simon right now_ ** **_  
_ ** **_We’ll have a good trip tonight_ **

Teddy needed to blow off some steam, then she was going to get it together and be an adult.


	10. Chapter 10

Waking up on the start to the third week at Eleanor’s Teddy had  _ another _ hangover. He felt like the bottom of someone’s shoe or something equally stepped on and dirty. The last two weeks were just like the weekends he spent in London: getting high, drinking, and hooking up with random people. He hadn’t made any type of headway in terms of getting himself together. Every day he woke up, saying that he’d look for a job or do something with himself that wasn’t acting like a rich kid. Teddy felt less like himself than he ever had, even on his most dysphoric days when he didn’t fit in his body right. Nothing he was doing felt real, even in the moments that made him feel good.

Rolling over, Teddy checked his phone and he found the same text from Dad he always got. It wasn’t always from Dad, Pada sent it too and they alternated days for the most part.  **We love you. Be safe.** The first few days it annoyed him that they weren’t just leaving him be, leaving him to grow up and be an adult. But now it felt like a warm blanket, like he used to feel when he was upset and his parents were cuddling him and trying to cheer him up. He was so scared to go back, he had hurt them both so much and had just fucked everything up.

Just like Teddy did every morning, he tried to formulate a response that didn’t sound stupid or contrived. Everyday, he just wrote back  _ I’m safe _ . At least they knew he was okay, that was the least he could do even if he couldn’t put together any of words to convey how he felt at the moment. Teddy wondered if he was going to be able to ever put things right… not just with his parents, but with everything. The only bits in his life he was doing right were things that didn’t matter.

When he managed to force himself out of bed, Teddy padded around and started to get dressed. When he was wearing more femme clothes one day, Maddie had asked if he fell into Eleanor’s closet. Instead of standing up for himself, he changed back into something that they’d expect him to wear. He didn’t have the energy to come out and explain who he was to anyone. He hoped Eleanor would stick up for him, but she never did. So, no matter how he was feeling, he presented as masculine as possible even when it made him sick. He couldn’t lose this last place of somewhat belonging.

Opening the door to go get breakfast -- at three in the afternoon -- Teddy stopped in the hallway when he heard Eleanor say his name.

“God, he always has his dick in something,” Maddie said with a scoff.

“Yeah, something, someone, he’d probably fuck anything.” Teddy leaned against the wall. They were speaking softly, probably doing their best not to let Teddy hear.

“His parents probably saw some of those skirts he has in his bag and kicked him out. I doubt he’s even a he.”

Teddy closed his eyes, trying to take a few deep breaths. He wanted to scream at them, but where the fuck was he going to go? Maybe he could just stay out for the day and… god, his Pada was right, Eleanor was not a good person. There wasn’t any way he’d be able to look at either Eleanor or Maddie after hearing them talk like this. He couldn’t stay around any longer.

Instead of screaming at them, Teddy went back to the room and threw some things in his backpack. There was no way he was going to carry around his luggage all around London, so he needed to narrow down his favorite things to stuff in his bag. He had enough money to stay at a hostel for a while, then maybe he could get some help. Teddy needed to stop depending on other people.

“All he does is take our things and eat our stuff, El,” Maddie spoke as Teddy came back out. 

“I know, but he’s a good time.”

Teddy took another deep breath, checking his pockets for his wallet and phone before walking out into the living room. The two girls looked at him with big smiles, as if they weren’t just talking shit about him. What else did they say about him? What did the rest of the group say?

“Fuck you both for being transphobic, biphobic, slut-shaming morons. Glad you weren’t just helping a friend out, you were looking for some entertainment.” Teddy tried not to raise his voice. “You can fuck off, and I hope I never see either of you again.”

Without standing around and waiting for them to reply, Teddy headed right for the door.

That was the first step in finding some footing, Teddy thought to himself as he made his way to a cafe. He needed some food before finding a hostel to stay in. The hangover and the comedown of whatever he took last night was dragging him down even further on top of the fact that these two people who he thought were his friends weren’t actually there for him. Coffee, carbs, and then a nap somewhere would start to make things better.

When he sat down at a booth in the corner of the shop, Teddy fished out his phone. He deleted and blocked everyone from the group chat he had been a part of for the last few months. He never wanted anything to do with them again, if Eleanor and Maddie were that way, what was to say the others weren’t? They were always together, he couldn’t see any of them sticking up for Teddy.

“Teddy.”

When he heard his name he glanced up, without registering the voice for a moment so he didn’t realize it was Ro until he saw her. She was holding a cup of tea with a yoga mat on her back. “Hey…”

She smiled, setting the cup down before taking her mat off and sitting across from him. “You’re not okay.” Ro never fucked around, always right for the topic that needed to be tackled. 

“I’m just having a bad day,” he lied because he didn’t want it to get back to his parents.

“Mmm…” She took a sip of her tea.

“You don’t live over here, did you have a vision?” Teddy tried to tease, but his voice sounded too mean.

“You  _ know _ I don’t have visions. I won a few free classes at the yoga studio down the street, and I’m working from home today so I thought I’d take some time to come over this afternoon. The universe clearly knew I’d see you.”

He swallowed hard. This had been the longest time he hadn’t spoken to anyone from his family. They were always so connected, but now he felt as if he were on the outside. “Yeah.”

“Do you need anything? Your Dad and Pada are very worried about you, you know? Mum told me to keep an eye out for you, so I’m glad we ran into one another.” Ro leaned her chin on her hand.

Teddy pressed his fingers into the buttery flakes of the croissant on his plate. “I don’t need anything.”

“Are you sure?”

He nodded. “Tell Dad and Pada I’m fine.”

“That’d be a lie and you should tell them yourself.” She reached over to put her hand on his forearm.

“I need to be an adult, they said so.”

“Did they? From what I remember and got out of you before this all, was that you were the one trying to be an adult.” Ro adjusted her glasses, shifting a little in her seat.

“They told me to go be an adult, I’m trying to be an adult.” Teddy scrubbed a hand through his curls.

“I’m sure there are other ways for you to be an adult without you being everything that you’re not.” She squeezed his arm lightly. “Everyone back in Godric’s, all of your friends and family not in Godric’s too, we want you to be happy. You’re not happy.”

“Wow thanks Ro.” He ran his finger over the seam of the paper cup. “I need to figure things out on my own for once.”

“Why? You know that people who love you are here to support you, why do you think that you need to do it on your own?”

Teddy shrugged, closing his eyes for a moment. “I haven’t figured anything else with everyone’s help before. Plus, Jordan’s back, so everyone’s probably happy.”

Ro squeezed her hand again. “Teddy--”

“You’re still friends with the person who broke my heart, so why should I care?” He opened his eyes to glare at her.

“You--”

“Jordan hurt me and everyone kept talking to him.”

“Teddy, he--”

“Do you know how much that hurt?” He sniffled, playing with the strap of his backpack. This outburst at Ro was surprising even himself. Of course Jordan had come to the forefront of his mind since he had returned from his trip the other week. Even when he was gone, he still saw his posts and comments or likes from Teddy’s own family. Everything was just worse now. “It was bad enough he wanted to break up with me, but you all kept in touch with him and it felt worse.”

“Can I speak now?” Ro sat up straight.

“Yeah.”

“Am I going to actually get through to you, or are you going to blow me off? It feels like you’re in a mood to blow me off.”

Teddy clenched his jaw, feeling like he was on a collision course. Everything was out of control, and he couldn’t grasp at anything to hold him up. The new friends he thought were the greatest were terrible. His old friends and family members were still getting along with his ex. He hadn’t spoken to his parents in weeks because he wanted to be an adult, and he wanted to prove himself. Not to mention how bad he made his parents feel when he left Goric’s.

“You know that I’m going to tell you the truth, Teddy, because I love you. No matter how much you want to act as if I don’t care or anyone else doesn’t care, we do.” She reached for her yoga mat’s strap. “I’ll leave you be because I can tell that’s what you want. You know my address, I’m home for the rest of the night. There’s good pizza near my flat.” She slung the strap over her shoulder.

“Yeah,” he muttered, looking back to his coffee.

Without looking up, Teddy could feel Ro lingering for a moment. If Teddy could set aside his stubbornness, then he would have got up and gone with her. He would have asked Ro to go up to Eleanor’s flat to get the rest of his stuff then they could have gone back to Ro’s little tiny studio and talked. But the inherent stubbornness inside of Teddy, seemed to be making it incapable.

After getting another cup of coffee, Teddy sat and continued to think over his situation. Nothing was right and nothing was working. What was the point of him being in London with no clear direction? He wasn’t going to be able to afford a thing. School was out of the question, even if he managed to pick an interest. Working in little meaningless jobs for the rest of his life wasn’t going to make him happy either.

Before he realized, the sun had gone down and he hadn’t even gotten a bed at a hostel yet. He had spent hours feeling sorry for himself over two cups of coffee. Granted it was probably nearly four in the afternoon by the time he had got to the café, he had still wasted so much time being down and out. It felt like the only thing he was destined to be in life was to be a fuck up. So why not keep up the trend.

Instead of going to find a hostel, Teddy left the café for the dive bar across the way. He needed some dinner, so he ordered nachos. Along with a drink. Then two drinks. Then three. Then four. Then five. Teddy sat by himself in a booth watching everyone around him happy and having fun with their friends while listening to the band playing. His head was floating, and everything was swimming as he thought of how lonely he was. How there was nothing out there for him.

Then the band on stage started to play a rendition of  _ Rebel Rebel _ and everything that he had been clinging to shattered. Instantly Teddy thought of Pada because that was their song. They sang it at the tops of their lungs and spun around to it on any dance floor or in the middle of stores. No matter where they were when it came on they made a point to enjoy it. Between the alcohol and the memories, tears sprang to his eyes. A sob that had been sitting in the middle of his chest for what probably had been weeks tore out of his throat in a noise that was thankfully covered by the loud music.

Teddy needed his parents.


	11. Chapter 11

Pada answered after one ring. “Teddy? Piccolino?”

“They’re playing -- playing Rebel Rebel.” He tried to sniffle back tears.

“Darling, I can barely hear you. Are you okay?” Pada’s voice was loud.

Teddy wiped a hand over his face before grabbing his backpack. “Wait a minute.” He hiccoughed, heading towards the exit of the bar.

“I’m here, I’m not going anywhere,” Pada said into the phone. In the background Dad asked what was going on. “I’m putting you on speaker, piccolino, okay? Dad wants to talk to you too.”

“Yeah.” Teddy went through the door into the cool November air. November. Shit. Shit. Shit. He was such a selfish arsehole. “I missed your birthday,” he let out another little sob.

“I know, but it’s okay. I’m happy if you’re okay now.”

“Annwyl, do you know where you are?” Dad asked.

“Yeah, at a bar. I saw Ro earlier and I should have went with her. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you and I did that.” Teddy looked at the cafè across the street.

“It’s okay, Teddy, we forgive you. We just want to make sure you’re alright. Do you need us to come get you?”

“Yeah,” Teddy said before more tears came. “Please. I wanna come home.”

“I know, we’ll get you. I don’t want you waiting alone in the street in the cold for us. Can we get you an Uber to Ro’s. We can pick you up there?”

Teddy nodded a moment before realizing they couldn’t see the nod. “Yeah, please.”

“Dad’s going to call Ro now then we’re getting in the car.”

“Stay on the phone?” Teddy’s voice cracked. “Please. At least til I’m at Ro’s.”

“Of course, I’m right here, always.” Pada sniffled.

“Did — did you have a party?”

“No, we just did dinner.”

“Is it my fault?” Hot tears kept streaming down his cheeks, a sharp contrast to the biting cold.

“It wouldn’t have been a party without you, right?” Pada asked as Teddy heard the sound of keys.

“Ro’s taking her friend's car to come and get you. She won’t be long. She said she knows exactly where you are.” Dad’s voice was a little muffled as a door opened and closed.

“She said she doesn’t have visions. She’s — she’s a liar.” Teddy rubbed his face.

“Mmm, all that woo-woo is, isn’t it?.”

“I’m sorry,” Teddy repeated because he didn’t know what else to say.

“We already forgave you, Teddy.” The car dinged in the background then the sound of the engine followed. “Let’s not talk about this all right now. Let’s get you home first, okay?”

“Yeah.” Teddy watched a group of people walk by in short skirts and tight shirts and black pants. That could have been him but it wasn’t him. That was never him to begin with. “I miss you two and Bucky and my bed.”

“Oh, Bucky’s going to be sad we beat him to the top of the list.”

“He’ll have to deal with it.” His whole body ached at the thought of home. The warm smell of the house from their cooking and baking or whatever candle Dad lit. The comfort of his bed or the sofa. The sound of Bucky’s paws on the hardwood with a vinyl on in the background. Teddy just wanted to be home.

Pada stayed on the phone with Teddy until Ro got there, talking about everything except for Teddy’s absence. Teddy had to go because his battery was running low when he got in the car. Pada promised to text updates and told Teddy to call when the phone charged some at the flat. Even though everything was still up in the air it felt better just knowing that he could go home.

When they got to Ro’s she made him lay down on the sofa while she made tea and got him a glass of water. He had drifted off to the sounds of her puttering about before she had even heated the kettle, he was sure of it. Ro’s place wasn’t home, but just the presence of someone he loved and who cared about him put him right at ease.

The next thing he knew there was a hand on his shoulder. Everything was bleary and his body ached. “Piccolino, wake up darling,” Pada’s voice was soft.

“Come on, annwyl, you can sleep in the car.” Dad knelt down next to him.

Teddy blinked at them for a moment, his brain thinking it was a dream. But it wasn’t because when he hugged them they were solid and real.

“I’d carry you but I’m old and you’re tall.” Dad laughed softly before kissing his forehead.

“I’m willing to give it a try,” Pada mumbled against Teddy’s shoulder.

“No, I can walk.” Teddy didn’t want to let go of them though.

“Okay, I’ll get your bag. Where’s your other luggage?” Dad pulled away, looking around.

Teddy leaned into Pada. “I left it at Eleanor’s. I couldn’t carry it all.”

“Send me the address and I’ll get it for you.” Ro’s voice came from the tiny kitchen area.

“Thanks Ro.” Teddy looked over Pada’s shoulder at her in the kitchen. They were still hugging him tight as if he was going to fade away.

“Anything, Teds, we’re family,” she reminded him before Pada finally pulled away.

Pada helped Teddy to his feet before the three of them made their way to the elevator. Everyone was quiet, but Teddy stayed close to his parents. Never again did he want to not have them in his life. He was so stupid for thinking that it would be for the best, that they didn’t treat him right.

When he got into the car, Pada got into the back seat with him. He sunk down to put his head in their lap as Dad got into the driver’s seat. The radio played God Only Knows, so Teddy knew that Pada had his playlist on. Pada carded their fingers through their curls.

“This is what you played when you brought me home from the hospital, right?” Teddy asked, watching Pada reach up to squeeze Dad’s shoulder before he let his eyes shut.

“It is. Dad drove so slow.” Pada’s voice was soft. “You were this little bundle of joy for us to bring home and we were so scared.”

“Sat in the entryway with you, waiting for you to need us.” Dad cleared his throat.

“We’ve been waiting for you to need us again.”

“Yeah. I did, I just, I don’t know.” He swallowed hard.

“Don’t worry, piccolino, just relax right now.” Pada’s fingers smoothed over his curls and Teddy fell asleep again.

At some point they got home and Pada and Dad put him in his bed. Everything was a blur, but he remembered Bucky running around excited and Pada almost hitting themselves in the nose when helping him change. Other than that he had no real memory of getting into his bed.

When Teddy woke up next things were a bit clearer but still not 100%. He laid in his bed with Bucky at his feet for a moment wondering  _ what now _ ? He wasted away three months, and now he was back to square one. Nothing could be done now, Teddy thought as he reached for the water bottle by his bed. Dad must have put it there.

After gulping down some water Teddy tried to fall back asleep but he tossed and turned. Feeling lonely and just wanting his parents made him not care that it made him seem like a kid when he got up. Curling up in their big bed and slipping into another bout of sleep seemed so  _ safe _ .

Bucky followed right after him down the landing. It only surprised him a little that the door was cracked open and the low fairy lights were giving the room a warm glow. They always kept it open when he was little then when he was ill or sad about anything. They were always there. He still knocked.

“Piccolino?” Pada’s head popped up from their pillow and Teddy could see Dad rolling over next to them. There was never a time he could remember when Pada didn’t wake up first. “What is it?”

“I’m just…” He wasn’t sure what he wanted to say as tears started to prick at his eyes again. There was so much swirling around his head, but nothing wanted to piece together to make up any sort of coherent conversation.

“Come on.” Pada sat up, pulling back the duvet.

Teddy crawled into the bed between them with tears running down his face still. Just like when he was a kid he pressed his face into Dad’s shoulder and Pada rubbed their back. The ever present knot in his chest these days unraveled more from their presence. 

Everything Pada and Dad did for him growing up started to flood his memories. They were never overbearing or strict and they respected his choices. Never did they offer anything but guidance and love and support, yet Teddy treated them like the worst parents these last few months. “I’m sorry. I know you forgive me but I’m sorry I made you worry for so long.”

“It was horrible, but you’re here now, annwyl.” Dad kissed the top of his head. “We’ve got you.”

“I fucked up so much.”

“Nothing we can't fix. Everything is fixable, so we can work it out together.” Pada’s fingers went back to his hair. “Do you need us to do anything? Call a rehab or I don’t know…”

Teddy was about to protest and say he wasn’t addicted, but he most certainly was abusing it along with whatever else he could get his hands on to numb the pain the last few months. “Maybe? I don’t know.”

“Unless you need it right now, we’ll do some research after some more sleep,” Dad suggested. “I don’t think any of us are good for decision making in this state.”

Teddy nodded. “Yeah, more sleep.”

“More sleep is good.”

“Caro, you always could sleep more.”

“I could, and you could use some more sleep right now too. You don’t sleep enough, love.”

“I sleep plenty.”

Teddy sniffled listening to them bicker in the most endearing way. He missed them so much, so much and he didn’t realize it. Granted he’d stuffed it down so far and covered it and everything else he was feeling with artificial happiness. The kind of happiness that didn’t stick around long enough for it to actually feel good for more than a night.

“I missed you two arguing over dumb things.” He laughed through the tears in his eyes.

“Yeah, now you don’t have to miss it. You’re back in your prime front row seat.” Dad kissed the top of his head.

“The best seat.” He yawned, unsure of how he could still be so tired after sleeping so much.

“Back to sleep piccolino, it’s all alright. We’re not going anywhere.” Pada rubbed soft circles against his back. “It’s going to be okay.”


	12. Chapter 12

When Teddy woke up again, light was coming through the slats of the blinds in thin streams. She realized that Dad wasn’t in bed, but Bucky was on her legs and Pada was rubbing her back. “Where’s Dad?” She rolled over, trying not to move Bucky… not that it was easy with the human size dog.

Pada’s eyes were red and bloodshot, but there was a smile on their lips as if they couldn’t be any happier. “Getting coffee and something to eat for us because it’s fairly late in the morning and his stomach was grumbling. I’m so happy you’re back and you’re all right, piccolino.”

Teddy hugged them, so afraid that she was going to blink and everything was going to disappear. The last few weeks -- the last few months were complete and utter shite. Never had she had such a bad relationship with her parents. Now it was all fucked up.

“Pronouns?” Pada asked. 

“She/her.” Teddy paused, thinking how it’d been a few weeks since she got that question. “You were right, they weren’t good people. I heard Eleanor and Maddie talking about me and about… about how I…” Teddy bit her lip, trying to find the words. She had always been open with her parents.

“Oh, annwyl, you’re awake.” Dad came through the door carrying a tray with three mugs along with a bowl of fruit and some toast.

“Caro, you have the worst timing.” Pada chuckled as Dad set the tray down.

“Shall I leave?” Dad raised an eyebrow.

Teddy shook her head. “No, stay.”

Dad smiled, getting back into bed. “What did I interrupt?”

She took the mug she always used. It said  _ Gender is Garbage _ with an opposum holding a genderqueer flag. “I couldn’t be -- I wasn’t out to them. They said some shit about me wearing skirts.” Teddy took a sip of the coffee, watching Pada clench their hand in their lap and bite their lip. “Eleanor and Maddie said I just took their stuff and ate their things and that I’d fuck anything.” Teddy’s voice cracked and tears started to spill over again.

Pada set their mug down before hugging her tight. “That’s utter bullshit. They’re bigoted twats.”

“If they were real friends they would have been sympathetic to what you were trying to work through.” Dad squeezed her shoulder.

“I gave them money for food and stuff… I…”

“It’s okay, piccolina.”

“Fuck them. If arson would help, I’d be on my way back to London.” Dad took Teddy’s mug out of her hand so it wouldn’t spill from Pada hugging her.

She sniffled again, pressing her forehead against their shoulder. Pada kissed to the top of her head. “It’s okay. You have friends here you will always help you, but no matter how good they are there will always be vile people in the world. Your dad and I can go burn down the flat, if you think it will help, but their opinion doesn’t fucking matter because they’re bullshit.”

Teddy nodded, pulling back to rub her face. “Yeah. I don’t get how I couldn’t see it.”

“You were looking for something to help you feel better, Teddy. Eleanor just happened to be there and acted like what you thought you needed.” Dad handed her a tissue.

Teddy took the tissue and blew her nose. “I was so stupid.”

“You made mistakes, we all have to make mistakes sometimes. There’s nothing that happened that you can’t fix.” Dad reached over to squeeze Pada’s hand. “Take as much time as you need then we can work out what we have to do.”

Teddy rubbed her face again thinking over the night that she left, their argument. “I know you went through things growing up and you didn’t have everything. You did raise me better. I was just being a spoilt twat like Eleanor.”

“That’s good to know.” Dad let out a soft laugh.

Pada picked up their coffee again, taking a sip. They looked very thoughtful for a moment as they held their mug between their hands. It was as if words were building themselves up, but they didn’t say anything.

“What is it, Pada?”

“It’s just, I’ve been thinking how I’m sad you didn’t get to run away to somewhere safe and happy. I had Uncle James and then Uncle Reggie had me. I just wish you had somewhere like that.”

Teddy frowned. “This is my somewhere like that. I didn’t… I always had my safe place.”

Pada reached for a tissue as they cleared their throat. “Always, yeah.”

“That’s right, you can always come home, Teddy. We’re always going to be here for you no matter what happened.” Dad pushed the toast closer to her. “If you can stomach some toast, that’d be good.”

She picked up a slice, nodded. “I felt so stupid because I fell into this group thinking that they had what I needed and everything I needed was here or with the people I already have in my life. Everything was just so confusing and I thought I needed to be away from everyone to be grown.”

“We understand that, piccolina, we really do. You don’t have to justify why you took off to us. We know that you’re not sure what you want to do with yourself professionally, and then your friends all went away and you broke up with your boyfriend of four years. That’s a lot all at once that would throw anyone through a loop.” Pada smiled reassuringly at her as she nibbled at the toast.

Teddy swallowed, realizing she hadn’t eaten properly over the last few weeks. She had been living off of junk food and coffee. “My whole body feels like shit.”

Dad scratched behind his ear then glanced at Pada. “Do you need us to do anything? We can make an appointment somewhere if you think that you need it.”

“I’m not sure?” She shifted a little so she could bury her fingers in Bucky’s fur.

“Your dad’s been researching after we spoke with a counselor the other week.”

Teddy furrowed her brow. “A counselor?”

“They have them to support families struggling with people abusing drugs.” Dad tapped his fingers on his mug. “We weren’t sure what to do or how bad things were, so we wanted to get it right.”

“Oh…” Teddy trailed off. She didn’t think that they would have talked to anyone about helping her for some reason. Of course they were upset she had gone off and was doing risky things, but Teddy didn’t know they would be seeking out help. She was so fucking lucky.

“We have so many pamphlets. You’d probably be angry that we killed far too many trees if you saw them.” Pada shook their head, looking at Dad fondly.

Dad crossed his legs then leaned his elbows on his thighs. “I want you to know that I really wasn’t looking through your things. You mentioned your laundry off handedly the night before, so I thought I’d do something nice. Things were really hard with us, but I would never intrude on you like that. I’ve done your laundry a million times.”

“I know, you’ve never done that before, but I wouldn’t have blamed you if you did it then. I wasn’t acting like I normally do.” Teddy finished the toast before grabbing a strawberry.

“We found a list of things to look out for if you thought someone you loved was abusing drugs and you hit a few of them,” Dad explained with a pained looked. “More than a few.”

“I, ah, I don’t think I’m addicted to anything, but I really liked how everything made me feel.” She pressed the palm of her hand to one of her eyes. They hurt so much, probably from all the bloody crying.

“Your Dad and I have never done anything harder than weed and a couple too many drinks. We felt so out of our depth, we still do but there’s plenty of help out there for all of us.” Pada held the coffee up to their lips.

“Yeah, I never thought I would do anything like this. At first, I kept thinking about what Dad would say about how I didn’t know where the drugs came from.” Teddy studied her nail beds.

“Believe me, your Dad was very worried about that.”

She needed to tell them about how she messed up, a little more specifically. She had never fucked up so much before. Everything before these last few months was miniscule in terms of mistakes and now that Teddy had shaken herself from the fog she was in, it terrified her. “We always talked about being safe with drugs and with sex and I… I was shit at following everything we ever talked about.”

“Okay, that’s --- you’re okay. We’ll go to the clinic and get tested.” Pada shifted toward her again, reaching out.

“ _ We’ll _ ?”

“Yeah, I’ll get it too.”

“You’ve been with Dad for ages. I remember that talk about condoms. I appreciate the solidarity though.” Teddy laughed before taking a sip of the coffee. “I’d like it if you both came with me, especially for any results because that’s the worst part, right?”

“Hopefully the worst part will be the bloodwork,” Dad rested against the headboard as Pada moved closer to him. “We’ll all get tested.”

“Only if we can go shopping after… not that I have any money for that. I can window shop.” Teddy didn’t even want to look at her bank account right now.

“I know that this is something that you’re struggling with, but you can work at the studio or Recovery. Hannah’s got a torn ACL, so we’re down a teacher at the studio.” Pada snuggled up against Dad, who put an arm around their shoulders.

“Yeah?” Hannah taught a lot of the junior classes, and those were the ones Teddy enjoyed teaching the most. He missed helping out and it had only been a couple of weeks.

“We can lend you a bit more money then work something out for you to pay us back, if you want to. Pada and I have no expectations for you to give us any money back, but we understand the importance of you doing that.” Dad reached for the toast. “But if we do lend you any more money— whether you want to pay it back or not— we have to set up some ground rules.”

Teddy scraped her teeth over her bottom lip. She understood that because it wasn’t fair to let them help while still spending it on drugs or stupid things. Not that there was any intention of partying. “I’m guessing not going to London and seeing that group?”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much it.” Pada snickered.

“If we think you’re falling back into these habits, we can ask you to take a drug test or ask you to see someone.” Dad rubbed Pada’s shoulder. “Granted I’d like for you to see a doctor as it is. The counselor we’ve been talking to said that it’d be good for you to do so. Maybe even see someone who deals with substance abuse.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“And we hope that you’ll talk to us if you want to go back to doing what you have been doing.”

“We don’t want you to have no fun or not go out with friends, but just… not this.” Pada shifted a little to pull their hair up into a bun.

“Yeah, I know.” Teddy put her coffee back on the tray. “I’m not addicted to anything, I just used whatever.”

“Can we ask what? Aside from the cocaine?” Dad frowned a little.

“Ah, MDMA, LSD, adderall, and ketamine.” Teddy pulled her legs up to her chest. “Mostly coke. Jesus christ, it was expensive and stupid.”

“One of the things we learned was that we shouldn’t say it’s stupid.” Dad frowned.

“But it was stupid,” Teddy said with an eyeroll.

“Yeah, it was stupid.” Pada sighed. “Fucking stupid, the dumbest thing you’ve done but it’s okay. You’re here and safe and we’re going to work things out.”

Teddy picked at a loose thread on the duvet. “Does everyone know where I was?” The thought of her entire family knowing the magnitude that she fucked up made her want to crawl into bed forever.

“We told Grandma and Uncle James. They haven’t told anyone else, they promised not to. I mean, everyone knows that you went to London and that you’re having a hard time because it was unavoidable. We didn’t tell anyone else about the drugs -- just that you wanted to find yourself,” Pada explained.

“Okay and Ro knows, Auntie Mary must know. All that chatting on the astral plane with Grandma and Ro.” Teddy moved to press her face into Bucky. “I feel like a failure.”

“Annwyl, you’re not a failure. You haven’t even started yet.”

Suddenly Dad’s arms were around her, and she turned her face to look at him. She let out a long breath, pretending just for a few seconds that she was small again. That she was just ill and staying home from school and Dad was taking care of her. “You’re not disappointed?”

“I’m so proud of you for reaching out to us and asking for help.” Dad held her tight.

“Piccolina, we could never be disappointed in you. Upset for you, sad, worried, but never disappointed.” Pada ruffled her curls. “What Dad said, we’re so proud that you called us and we’re proud you’re taking steps in the right direction.”


	13. Chapter 13

Pada held her hand as they waited for the doctor in an examination room of the clinic. They were both sitting on the table, paper crinkling whenever either of them moved. Dad was reading a pamphlet on STIs, leaning against the wall opposite. “Good reading material, caro?”

“Kind of bland.” Dad laughed, glancing at them.

“I’m probably going to need to read about the treatments of something in there.” Teddy swung her legs a little, skimming the toes of her converse over the shiny tiles. 

She had been home for almost a week, and was attempting to pick up the pieces of what she had shattered when she tried to run away from her life. That day she had got home, they spent the day talking things through. They cried and tried to understand one another and get back on the same page. They made plans and appointments to get tests done and to talk to someone about her drug abuse, along with seeing Minnie.

The day after was her appointment to get blood work in order to check out for STIs. She also spoke to her doctor about her drug use. The doctor was encouraged that she was going to be seeing a specialist the next day. The specialist discussed what she was likely to go through the next few weeks. Even though Teddy didn’t think she had an addiction, taking cocaine and other drugs so often for the last few months then stopping was going to mess with her brain chemistry. There was no denying that she felt a lot different recently.

When she got really down, Teddy did think about how she'd be good if she had something to help her feel good. Maybe there was more to her drug use, but she didn’t think it was addiction or physical dependence yet, and neither did the specialist or the doctor. They did think if she continued then it could go that way. The specialist helped with making a plan for staying away from cocaine and other drugs. Honestly it wasn’t that much: not going to London, not going out and partying with people she didn’t know, and making sure she had support. Support wasn’t just from Dad and Pada, but her therapist, the specialist, and also a support group for young adults who struggled with substance abuse.

“If you do then we deal with it.” Pada gave their hand a tight squeeze.

There was a knock on the door before Doctor Oles, who they had seen last time, came into the room. “Hello, Lupin-Blacks. Are we sure we want to do this all together?”

Teddy’s heart started to pound. “Oh god, something’s wrong then.”

“Piccolina, we haven’t even heard.” Pada squeezed her hand.

“But she wants to talk to us alone.”

“Annwyl, we should let her talk. Do you want us to stay?”

“Yeah, please, can they stay?” Teddy pulled her legs up onto the table, still hanging onto Pada’s hand.

“Of course they can stay, Teddy, whatever you want. I just wanted to check in with you all first.” Doctor Oles took a seat on the stool. “Who first then?”

“Oh god, I can’t take it. Please, me first.” Teddy groaned, her palms going clammy.

“It’s all right, Teddy,” Dr Oles began and the way she spoke made Teddy squirm. “Your tests were clear except for chlamydia. I’ll prescribe a course of antibiotics and ask you to refrain from sex until it’s through. It’s not a big deal as long as you take care of it..”

For a moment Teddy wanted to curl up and cry because after all the safe sex talks she disregarded everything and ended up with an STI. But then she was relieved because it could have been worse. “Okay.”

“Condoms, piccolina.  _ Always _ .”

Dad coughed but nodded in agreement.

“I know, I know.” Teddy watched Dr Oles set aside a paper before turning to Dad.

“A clean bill of health for you Remus.” She laughed a little, probably finding it as ridiculous as Teddy that they were getting tested when they had been married for over twenty years. “As well as you Sirius.”

“Is there anything Teddy should know?”

“Well as you said condoms, always, especially when you’re having casual sex. As for your diagnosis, you may have some discharge or pain in your genitals.”

“Okay.” That did not sound like a good time, but she probably deserved it for her dumb mistakes.

“And the antibiotics, have some food with them and you shouldn’t drink.”

“Well I’m not drinking so that’s not an issue.” Teddy let out a long breath.

“Reaching out to recent sexual partners should be done too.”

She felt herself blush thinking about the fact she couldn’t remember even the names of some of the people she had hooked up with.

“Any other questions?”

Everyone said no and Dr Oles walked them out once handing her the prescription. Pada was still holding on to Teddy’s hand until they got to the coat rack. “Let’s go get some food, huh? That Italian place you like is not far,” Dad suggested. “It’s pretty cozy in there too.”

Teddy agreed as she pulled on her heavy coat. “Sure.”

“Then maybe we can go shopping, we said we’d go.” Dad dug his keys out of his pocket.

She laughed, following her parents out of the clinic. “I’m tired, but maybe I’ll be up for it after I eat.”

“If not we can buy some ice cream while we wait for your medicine to be filled and have an old fashioned Lupin-Black movie night.” Pada beamed at her.

“Or we could do it anyway after shopping.” Teddy wanted to soak up every moment of time with her parents right now. They were both taking time off to be with her, and she didn’t want their little bubble to go away.

“As long as it's not a dance movie.” Dad opened Pada’s door for them when they got to the car.

“Being sweet will not change what you just said, caro.” Pada kissed him on the cheek. “Just for that we’re watching Center Stage.”

Dad rolled his eyes in Teddy’s direction but was wearing a dopey grin. He had a tendency to let Pada get their way. “Fine. We just never watch rock climbing movies.”

“There’s only like two good rock climbing movies to choose from, and one of them the bloke loses an arm. That’s not my fault.”

Teddy shut her door as Dad got into his seat. “As long as you don’t make us dance. I’m out of shape.” She hadn’t stretched in so long she cringed thinking about it.

“Even more of a reason to get you dancing.” Pada waved a hand.

They had lunch, which was mainly Pada chatting away about what was going on at the studio. Teddy noticed them playing with a small stack of four rings on their finger as they rambled on about how the girl subbing in for Hannah was horrible. She knew that the conversation was meant to encourage Teddy to return, but she was hardly listening, looking at the four dainty silver rings with what looked like little stars and a moon with different stones on them.

“What are those?” Teddy asked, pointing with her fork full of chicken piccata.

Pada paused, looking down at their hand. “Oh, Dad gave them to me for my birthday,” they explained, slipping the rings off their finger before holding them out to Teddy.

Teddy let them drop into her open palm before holding them up. Engraved on the inside of one was  _ Pada _ with a tiny topaz in the star. The second one said  _ Caro _ with an aquamarine stone. The last star was a moonstone with  _ Piccolino _ on the inside. The last ring was a small moon with  _ family _ etched into it. “I love them.”

Dad smiled over his glass of water. “I was hoping you’d like them because god knows my fashion sense is horrid.”

Her face fell a little, shifting in her seat. She always did birthday shopping for Pada with Dad, but this year she made excuses as time grew closer then missed the day entirely. Pada loved their birthday and Teddy had probably made the day terrible for them. She wanted to make up for it.

“Mmm, my best garbage.” Pada kissed Dad on the cheek before Teddy gave the rings back to them.

“I’m glad that you managed to find something good, Dad.” Teddy glanced down to her plate, wondering if there was a way to make it up to them.

Pada made a huffing noise. “What’s the matter, piccolina?”

“Is it the name in the ring? I didn’t know what to put. We can buy one that says piccolina and Pada can change it out.”

Teddy shook her head. “No, no, that’s not it at all.”

“Remember, talking is better than not. We’re listening.” Dad sounded a bit like a brochure at times when it came to dealing with everything that was going on. Teddy knew he was just trying his hardest to show how much he cared and how badly he wanted to get it right.

“I know, it’s just that I feel bad for ruining your birthday. You love your birthday and you said you two didn’t do anything for it but dinner.”

Pada glanced sideways to Dad before taking a breath. “Yeah, it was a terrible birthday. I spent most of the day upset over the fact that you weren’t around and we weren’t even speaking. Dad and I didn’t even go to dinner, we stayed in and wore our nice clothes and ate take out in a blanket fort. Not my ideal birthday, but I’m more than happy that you’re back now.”

Teddy nodded, biting her lip. “Yeah, I’m still sorry.”

“I still forgive you, darling.”

“Though Pada has a stunning dress they haven’t had a chance to wear anywhere but the living room.” Dad let out a dreamy sigh, one that Pada would tend to reply to with  _ My Austen Heroine _ . 

Teddy bit back her own sigh because she wanted something like that. Jordan still felt like home to her when she thought about him. The same comfort she found coming back to Godric’s was so similar to how Jordan made her feel. How was she meant to move on from that? It felt like a once in a lifetime sort of love. Was she going to compare everyone else to Jordan?

As she continued to ponder over Jordan and feel bad about not being around for Pada’s birthday, they went to do a little shopping. Surprisingly none of them found anything they had to get, so they went to fill Teddy’s prescription and pick up ice cream. Pada tasked Dad and Teddy to get the ice cream while they waited for the antibiotics.

“Don’t worry about the birthday, annwyl. I know you’re stressed about it, but they aren’t lingering on it.” Dad nudged them in the side as they made their way through the store to the ice cream.

“I still want to do something.” Teddy groaned, looking around the store as if a packet of crisps or a bottle of milk would spark some inspiration. Just as she was turning towards Dad, she caught sight of a familiar face with a familiar goofy smile. “Shit.” She grabbed Dad’s arm, pulling him down the closest aisle.

“What the fuck, Teddy?” He looked behind them as Teddy ducked her head.

“Jordan!” She continued to pull him down the aisle.

“Ah, okay.” Dad let Teddy lead the way without protest. 

The last person she wanted to see on the day that she had been told she had an STI was her ex-boyfriend. Of course she couldn’t manage to avoid him because just as she was about to turn the corner Jordan appeared in front of them.

“Teddy, hey! Hi Remus” Jordan’s voice was high and tight.

Teddy leaned into her Dad, noticing a bloke next to Jordan. He had gorgeous blue eyes, and there was a little silver ring through his bottom lip. It took Teddy a moment to recognize him as a bloke from a local band they had seen a few times. They had even hung out with them once after a gig. Dillion? Was that his name?

“Hi.” Teddy hoped she could just slink away to get ice cream before going home and eating an entire pint.

“Hello, Jordan.” Dad put a hand on Teddy’s back.

“Hi piccolina, I have your antibi --  _ Oh _ . Jordan. And a boy.” Pada had come down the aisle behind Jordan holding up the prescription before dropping their arm.

Jordan turned a bright red, glancing to Dillion or whatever his face was. “Ah, this is Dill, you remember him Teddy?”

Teddy just nodded as Pada came to stand on her other side. “So, you’re back,” she managed to say -- as if that wasn’t obvious.

“You posted a lot of nice pictures on Instagram.” Pada cleared their throat, staring Jordan down.

“Um, yeah… I-- are you ill?”

It was Teddy’s turn to flush.

“Yes, she’s got a nasty sinus infection. Time to get her home. Hope Bev is well, Jordan. Nice to meet you Dill.” Dad pressed his hand into the middle of Teddy’s back to get her to start walking.

“Ah, feel better Teddy.” Jordan turned to watch her and her parents walk by.


	14. Chapter 14

Teddy kept looking behind her as they stood in front of the ice cream. Dad kept trying to ask what Teddy wanted for ice cream, but she was too preoccupied by seeing Jordan with another person. She was attempting some rationality about how the two could have been just friends but Jordan was so awkward about it all.

“Annwyl, do you want anything else? I got your favorite?”

She shook her head. “I can’t believe he’s dating him.”

“What?”

“I know, the bastard. He hurt my baby now he’s out with this idiot with a lip ring.” Pada all but spat the words out.

“What?” Dad repeated, grabbing Pada’s hand to start them off to check out.

“Are you blind, Remus? Shall we get you better glasses that have a prescription for distance as well?” Pada huffed as Teddy trailed after them, looking around for Jordan and Dillion. Thankfully they were nowhere to be seen.

“No, I saw them, but it doesn’t mean they’re dating.”

“Bet they are,” Teddy muttered as they went to the self-checkout. “He probably doesn’t have chlamydia either.”

Dad let out a strangled noise and Pada shook their head. “Teddy, that has nothing to do with you being a good or bad person.”

“Exactly, you made a mistake.” Pada set a box of condoms down which Teddy had somehow missed this whole time.

“Where are those from?” Teddy squawked.

Pada raised an eyebrow. “I had them in my pocket. I knew you’d be embarrassed, piccolina.”

“Oh god, I’m glad you remembered them and didn’t try to steal them.” Dad ran them over the scanner and dropped the box into their tote bag.

Teddy put her hand over her face as Dad went to put his card in the machine. “Why?”

“So you don’t make another mistake. If you thought I was all about condoms before, wait til you start seeing anyone. I’m going to fill your room with condoms,” Pada continued on as they went for the exit. “I know it’s a hassle and boring and such but it’s important. You don’t have to ruin the mood. You could totally put it on in a sexy way, right, caro?”

“Please leave me out of this.”

“Oh my god, Pada. Please stop.”

“It sucks that it’s not as good sensation wise, and that it can take you out of the moment, but there are sexy ways to put on condoms. Your Dad is just being obtuse. It’s been a while since I’ve had to do anything with them, but there’s plenty. I found an article  _ Twenty Five sexy ways to put on condoms.  _ I’ll send it to you.”

Teddy pretended not to see the old lady looking at them in disgust as she walked near them in the carpark. “Pada,  _ an article _ ? Really?”

“It wouldn’t be the first time, would it?” Pada asked when they got to the car.

That was true. There were plenty of sex ed articles in their Whatsapp conversation between both their posts sharing dancers on social media and texts checking in. “I’m never having sex again.”

Dad snorted, starting the car. “If you don’t ever want to have sex that’s fine, but just because you got an STI, you shouldn’t just swear it off.”

She let out a long sigh, resting her head back against the seat. She did love sex, alot. Sex was amazing, especially with Jordan… they were so awkward at first but then they figured things out and worked so well together. Teddy couldn’t get enough of him, and now he was gone and out of his reach. He was probably having plenty of unprotected sex with Dillon.

Trying not to dwell on Jordan, and trying to have a positive mindset, Teddy put her phone in her room for the night to resist any temptation. Recently she had been finding herself looking back at all of Jordan’s posts from traveling. Last night she fell down a hole of scrolling through all the pictures he still had up of her. Teddy had deleted all traces of Jordan not long after the break up, but she was still all over his social media. She was up nearly all night thinking about why he hadn’t deleted their photos or videos yet. In the end she concluded that it was because of his travels and it’d happen soon. Probably sooner since Dillon was around.

But dwelling on Jordan or Dillon or anything of the last few months wasn’t going to be productive. Sure talking through what happened needed to occur with Minnie and whoever else in her support system to properly heal, but right now drowning in it would just make her more upset and anxious. She wanted to enjoy ice cream and movies with her parents instead of being stuck in her room.

When she got downstairs she found the ice cream on the table with all her favorite toppings out: caramel, whipped cream, sprinkles, and cherries. Dad was already working on his ice cream as Pada looked to be getting Center Stage on. It was a Friday night and for the last few months that had meant going down to London and getting absolutely off her face. It was strange to think, in terms of her life, that the last three months were barely a blip but had caused so many issues.

“Okay?” Dad asked as Teddy settled on the floor against the sofa.

Pulling her knees up she balanced her bowl full of ice cream and toppings there. “Just thinking about how different this is from my more recent weekends.”

Pada pressed play before moving to make their sundae. “Trading in posh clubs and illicit substances with good looking people for the living room and ice cream with your parents.”

Teddy nodded, scraping her spoon over the whipped cream. “I’ve always liked this best.” As much as she could let herself get caught up in the partying and drugs, she knew even over the last few months it could never last. “All that wasn’t me. It was some weird version of me pretending to be an adult.”

“I know. We know. That’s why it was hard for us because we knew it wasn’t you but we couldn’t help no matter how hard we tried. You needed to gain some perspective, and you did even if it was painful.” Dad ruffled her curls as Pada sat on the sofa behind her.

“We all did dumb things in our adolescence or early twenties. Or beyond. It’s life, don’t be ashamed.” Pada kissed the top of her head. “Though you should be ashamed you haven’t stretched for so long, piccolina.”

“You’re so mean.” She pouted at them before digging into her ice cream.

Of course Pada made Teddy and Dad dance, as they always did when watching a dance movie. It did feel good to move with purpose, and not just to some shitty thumping bass club song. Her poor father seemed to think otherwise. Dad was terrible as always. When Pada tried to teach him a very simple move in the finale duet, Teddy was in hysterics on the ground.

“Oh god, I can’t breathe.” She wheezed with laughter, holding her aching stomach as the movie came to an end but Pada was still persistent in the move.

“Caro, you just have to lift me up then set me down, basically feel me up, then do two steps up and two steps back with me before feeling me up again.”

Teddy had tears running down her cheeks as Dad attempted to do as told but failed miserably. He was so off the count Pada was attempting, stepping awkwardly around the room.

“You can’t even feel me up properly!”

“Stop saying feel me up!” Teddy screeched, still laughing away as Dad was rolling his eyes.

“My pearl, you do this every time and get frustrated with me every time.”

“Yes and practice makes perfect. So, on the count of four…”

Teddy scrambled to her feet, waving her hands. “I can’t deal with this any more. I’m going to my room before suffocating from laughter.”

Pada dropped Dad’s arm to come over and hug them. “It’s good to see you laughing so much.”

“Hard not to when watching Dad.” She rested her forehead on their shoulder for a moment.

“Oi!” Dad’s protest sounded half hearted. “Really though, it’s nice to hear you laugh.”

“Even at your expense?” Teddy moved to hug Dad good night.

“Of course. Get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow that group meeting isn’t until the afternoon, so no rushing around.”

Teddy nodded before heading up to her room with Bucky coming right after her. Even though it had been an emotional day, she was ending it feeling happy. There was some anxiety about going to the support group the next day because it was different from therapy with Minnie, but it was going to be helpful.

Once she settled into bed she grabbed her phone to set an alarm because the specialist recommended keeping a schedule of some sort. She promised Pada she’d wake up and dance with them a little as well. Maybe making dance in the morning a part of her routine would be helpful.

Before she could even open her phone to set the alarm her heart skipped a beat at the text on her screen.

**I’m not dating Dillon, I should have told you**

Teddy bit her lip, trying to decide what to say back. It shouldn’t have mattered either way and he shouldn’t have texted her. As she typed Teddy tried not to get too upset, taking deep breaths.

_ Why’s it matter to me? We broke up _

The ellipsis popped up and disappeared a couple of times before Jordan replied.

**Because we dated for four years and I don’t want you thinking that I just left you and got another partner**

_ It’s been three months, nearly four _

**three months that I haven’t been in town. I haven’t exactly had a chance to move on**

_ Poor you, traveling with mummy _

**Can we talk, for real? Call me?**

_ No, Jordan. I didn’t even want you to text me. _

**I’m sorry Teddy. This got all fucked up. I didn’t want it to be this way.**

_ You broke up with me _

**I wanted a break, meaning I wanted you to have some time for yourself**

_ Because you couldn’t handle me struggling  _

**Because I didn’t want you to resent me for making life choices that affected you**

_ You did anyway _

**I’m sorry**

Teddy didn’t reply. Instead she set her alarm and set her phone aside for the night. It was so stupid that she missed him.


	15. Chapter 15

Over the next week, Teddy went to more appointments and spent much of the time on an up and down roller coaster of emotions. Not to mention she’d occasionally get the thought in her head that  _ maybe they didn’t flush the coke _ . She didn’t like those thoughts, so Teddy tried her best to stay busy. If she had a constant schedule, it was easy to forget about the anxiety and the press of mood swings.

Every morning she woke up early and grabbed something light pre-workout. Once her water bottle was full she went up to the little studio room and stretched before dancing until she was sweating and completely lost in herself. If Pada was home they always joined her. Then she’d have a proper breakfast while writing in a journal about intentions. When that was done she and Bucky went on a walk before returning to do some research about possible career choices. Lunch was made then enjoyed while reading. Normally she read for longer than lunch before cleaning something — the last few days she had been getting her room ready to repaint — to keep busy. Dad or Pada came home, if they weren’t already, and they would have tea and talk about the day. Sometimes Teddy went to an appointment or she would watch TV before cooking dinner. Then she’d wind down by stretching with Pada, then more TV and/or reading before climbing into bed where she journaled once more before sleeping.

Today she took a second afternoon walk with Bucky, the air was crisp, biting at her face. She was lost in thoughts about Pada’s birthday, wanting to put on something extravagant when she saw Uncle Reggie chasing after Connor up the driveway. Bucky gave a little bark and Connor threw his arms out in front of him. Uncle Reggie greeted Teddy when they got closer.

“TEDDY!” Connor skipped over before hugging Bucky. “BUCKY!”

“Hey Connor.” Teddy laughed as Uncle Reggie came over to hug her.

This was the first encounter with anyone from the family since returning. Granted she had been purposefully walking towards Uncle Reggie’s house because she was feeling fortified enough to do it today. She also needed some help pulling off ideas for Pada’s birthday. Uncle Reggie hugged her nearly as tight as Dad and Pada had been hugging her lately. “I’m so happy to see you, kid.”

Teddy sighed when Uncle Reggie finally let her go. “Yeah? I’m happy to see you two too.”

“Do you want some hot coco? We’ve decided to have a treat.”

“Yeah, sure. I wanted to ask you some things too.”

“Anything, kid. You know that I’m always here for you.”

Following Uncle Reggie and Connor into the house, Teddy took some deep breaths reminding herself that her family loved her. She fucked up, but they loved her and it was going to be okay. It didn’t matter that she had run off, pretending to be a grown up by doing risky things. Everyone still loved her.

Teddy played with Connor and Bucky in the living room while Uncle Reggie made the coco. Connor asked Teddy a million questions about where she had been, which nearly made Teddy sob because she missed this little dumpling who looked up to her. Connor latched on to Teddy in a way that Teddy tended to latch on to Ro. She wanted to be there for him growing up, and help him when he made mistakes.

As Connor crawled on top of Bucky, as if he was still just a tiny little baby, Teddy grabbed his phone to take a photo. It was a cute photo that Teddy thinks her aunt and uncles would love to have of their son, the cutie. “Connor, you are the silliest.”

“You’re the silliest Teddy!” Connor giggled as Uncle Reggie came out with the hot coco.

“All right you two, let’s enjoy these.”

“Daddy does it have marshmallows?” Connor asked before rolling off of Bucky then rolling all the way over to the coffee table.

“Yes, little one, it does. Lots.”

Connor let out a whoop before kneeling at the table and carefully reaching for the mug. He blew on it as Teddy rested her chin on her hand watching him for a moment. Uncle Reggie joined them on the floor, nudging Teddy in the arm. “What’s going on, kid? Dad said you’ve been sequestering yourself in the house for the most part.”

Teddy nodded as she went to take a sip.

“Wait! Teddy, you  _ have to _ make sure you blow on it first.”

“Oh, right sorry.” Teddy laughed before doing as told. “I’m just trying to fix things.”

Uncle Reggie nodded. “Mmm, it’s hard I’m sure. We all love you though.”

“Yeah! We love Teddy!” Connor scrambled over to squeeze her around the waist, nearly causing Teddy to cry again.

“I love you all too, kid.” Teddy gave Connor a hug back, burying her face in his curls for a moment. Connor had been growing his hair out because he wanted hair like his papa.

“We’re glad you decided to visit, but I know you have a motive because you’re you.” Uncle Reggie chuckled as Connor went back to his hot coco.

Teddy snickered because that was true. “Ah, a couple of things.”

“Anything not PG?”

“No, not really? We’ll start with the first one that is safe, but Connor has to keep a secret.”

Connors big blue eyes widened over the rim of his mug. “I can keep a secret! I promise. I’m real good at secrets, right Daddy?”

“He’s really good.” Regulus nodded in agreement.

“Well,” Teddy took a sip of the chocolatey drink, pausing for dramatic affect. “I want to throw Pada a big party since I missed their birthday and I need some help. Auntie Lily, Grandma, and Gran are probably going to be let in on it too. Maybe Dad, I’m not sure yet.”

Uncle Regulus nodded. “Do you have any ideas?”

“Well, Pada’s got this nice dress they want to wear, so something they can dress themselves to the nines.”

“Very Sirius, basing an event off an outfit.” Uncle Reggie scoffed as he sat back.

Teddy agreed as she opened her phone. “It’s kind of got this 1920s meets Old Hollywood vibe, so I was thinking maybe we could rent out that old theater downtown. It’s bloody expensive though.”

“Mmm, Effy and Monty will jump to help. They were asking Sirius what they wanted when we had dinner before their birthday and they refused anything.”

“Yeah, Gran and Gramps always want to do something spectacular.” Teddy wished she could afford it herself, but she was going to take the help. “I’ll call them later.”

“Can we have snacks? Can there be hot cocoa with marshmallows?”

“Sure, I’m sure that Pada will love that.” Teddy grinned at them.

They talked out ideas that had been bouncing around in Teddy’s head. It felt good to get excited about something, it felt like a long while since she had this kind of happiness. Everything the last few months, even before Jordan broke up with her, felt bleak and depressing. This party was going to be perfect. Teddy was going to make a video all about Pada and their life, what they meant to everyone. She also decided to tell Dad only about the video, but nothing else. The whole event felt like a way to prove herself, to prove that she could do something she was dreaming up.

When the cocoa was finished, Uncle Reggie sent Connor off to go play with his toys. Teddy was glad for it because she wanted to talk to her uncle about Jordan. Pada suggested it over three months ago now, but Teddy hadn’t been in the mindset for dealing with Jordan. Since Jordan was back and Teddy was coherent enough to care, she needed to deal with whatever she was feeling.

“Pada said that you left for a while before you came back to Aunt Hes and Uncle Ben.” Teddy bit her lip while glancing over to Connor, who was currently attempting to tie a superhero cape to Bucky’s collar.

“I did, I needed to strike out on my own.”

“How did you know that they were home? Pada called it home.” Teddy looked back at Uncle Reggie.

He leaned forward to put a hand on her arm. “It just felt right. I didn’t want to be anywhere but with them. I even dated --“

“Barty, I remember him kind of. He gave me a Pride unicorn.” She smiled thinking about it back in her room.

“Barty was a good bloke. We got on well, and I thought maybe I loved him. I think I did, sort of, but it was nothing like how I feel for Ben and Hes. I was away for almost three years before coming back here. Granted it took awhile, but we got back together.”

Teddy sighed, stretching her legs out in front of her. “I don’t know how I feel about him. He hurt me so much.”

“Have you talked to him since?”

She shook her head. “I don’t know if I can talk to him. I hurt so much, trying to figure out what I want in life, and he left.”

“I’m sorry, kid. You don’t have to talk to him or make up with him. Do whatever’s right for you.”

“I disappeared because I thought it was right for me. I’m not sure I’m the best at figuring that out.” Teddy pointed her toes, looking at the skulls on her socks and remembered the shoes Teddy found for Jordan to go to their first dance together. Everything was a reminder of Jordan, and it was entirely frustrating. Though it was probably due to the fact she hadn’t dealt with their break up properly.

“Teddy, it’s a Black Family Gene to run. Your Pada, me, Andi, Al, and Nym even ran away once.”

She pulled her legs up against her. “Really?”

“Mmhmm. I’m very glad that Connor doesn’t actually have that biology,” Uncle Regulus whispered. Sometimes she wondered how different it was for Uncle Reggie than it was for her own parents. Then he realized that it didn’t matter about the biology because Connor was all theirs. Just like Teddy was both his parents who were lucky to find someone to make sure Teddy had some of Pada’s genes. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway because they would have loved her like Uncle Reggie loved his son or Gran and Gramps loved Pada.

Teddy watched her cousin play as her phone vibrated on the table. It was Pada checking in because she had gone out a while ago. She knew that her parents were trying hard to let her be, but also make sure that she wasn’t getting herself into trouble again.

“Okay, I’m off.” Teddy stood up with a groan.

“Any time, Teddy.”

“NOO! Don’t go!” Connor ran over to her, throwing his arms around her legs.

Teddy pushed Connor’s hair back, peering down at him. Something twisted in her chest thinking about how no one was sure two weeks ago if she would have ever come back. “Don’t worry, I’ll come visit again really soon.”

When Teddy got through the door of her house she found her parents snogging on the sofa. Christ, they were still like this after all these years. “Really? I said I was coming home.”

Dad practically peeled Pada off of him. “Hi annwyl, I just got home.”

“And Pada needed to suck your face off.” She let Bucky off his leash so he could go greet Pada and Dad.

“Always, piccolina. I haven’t seen him  _ all day _ . How’s Uncle Reggie?” Pada asked, resting their head on Dad’s shoulder.

“He’s good, I played with Connor a little and I asked him about when he broke up with Uncle Ben and Aunt Hes.” She sat on the loveseat, kicking her legs up.

“Yeah, how is that sitting with you?” Dad questioned, Teddy could hear the spring in the sofa move then Dad’s feet on the floor.

“I don’t know. I have no idea how I feel.”

“You don’t have to know, piccolina.”

Teddy turned her head to look over at Pada, who was now curled up against the side of the sofa closest to the loveseat. Dad was by the records, still looking over to them. “I know I don’t have to know, but I just wish I could stop lingering on it.”

“Sometimes it just takes time.” Dad pulled a record out, which Teddy couldn’t see from there.

“It’s not fun being upset, darling, and I’m so sad to see you this upset. I wish we could fix it all for you.”

“Me too.” Teddy put an arm over her head. “I’ll work it out eventually.”


	16. Chapter 16

A couple of weeks later, the location had been rented out by Gran and Gramps. Teddy had ordered the balloons. The theme was solidified to the roaring twenties with a hint of Old Hollywood. His dress and tux were purchased/rented (he needed options). He had figured out the menu (passed hor d'oeuvres and desserts of so many different types). The video he was making was nearly done. Everyone but Dad, Pada, Auntie Marly, and Uncle James knew about the party, but those four had been invited by Auntie Lily to a “charity event” for the night so the time was set aside.

As Teddy’s support group wrapped up, he was getting himself together to go to the tea shop to over take a table and do more editing. There were only a couple days until the surprise birthday party -- a pretty belated one at that, but it was better late than never. Not that Pada was asking for it, but Teddy wanted to do something good with his time. Minnie said it was good that he was putting effort into something positive.

“Hey, ah, Teddy, right?” A girl with some fantastic pink and blue eyeshadow came over to him with her hands in her pockets.

“Yeah, um, Libby, yeah?”

She gave a little nod. “Some of us go to pizza after group sometime. Normally you’re out of here right away. Not that I blame you, kind of depressing to hear all our issues.”

“Oh, that’s -- sorry I run off.” Teddy laughed, he didn’t think people hung out after these kinds of things.

“So do you want to come?” She gestured to a group lingering behind Libby.

Teddy pulled his bag on to his shoulder. “I would, but I have to go work on a project I’m doing.”

“The video?”

“Yeah,” he said. A point of topic today was positive things they are working on. Of course Teddy shared what he was doing for Pada because it was one of the few positives at the moment. He was still stuck at home, single, and not sure what he wanted to go to school for still. Though he had managed to start working again by subbing in for Hannah. 

It was fine to be back in the studio, but he wanted something that caused the same type of spark dancing did for Pada and climbing did for Dad and writing did for Uncle Reggie. When you’re good at a lot of things but not one is your prime passion, it doesn’t make it easy to pick a career. Teddy hated how privileged and braggy it sounded, but it was true for him. Dad told him he was proud at how Teddy was stopping and thinking about what he truly wanted to do in his life instead of just jumping headfirst into something he might regret later.

“Maybe I can come out with you guys next time?” Teddy asked before biting his lip. Making new friends was not something Teddy was looking for since his last attempt at it went so terrible.

“You should! It’s nice to talk about things that aren’t about recovery or mistakes.”

Teddy agreed because it seemed like currently that was mostly what he was doing. When he wasn’t working he was talking to someone in his support system or doing something to make things better, to put a balm on the mistakes of those three months. In the moments where he was just having fun, that was the best time. The times weren’t something frequent, but he was trying to get more of them.

They swapped numbers before Teddy left the youth center. As he walked towards the bus stop, Teddy listened to a playlist he had recently made. It was calming and not every song was blatantly about love. It felt like a warm blanket in the cold late November air. The music poured through him like a remedy to the poisonous thoughts that floated through his brain at times lately:  _ I’m not smart enough. I’m not nice enough. I’ll never find my place. I’ll never be in love. I fucked up with my parents. I just want to go back to London and feel something else for a little bit.  _ The music didn’t cure the thoughts, but it softened them. It helped in the same way therapy and the support group did, but in a quieter way.

Climbing onto the bus, he thought about Libby and the other young adults in his group. Their stories seemed much heavier than his, which made him wonder why they’d want him to hang out. He was just someone who partied a little too hard for a little while and liked it a bit too much. Teddy was just another middle class kid who didn’t know what to do with his life. What did these kids who went through hell want with him? They were probably just being nice.

Once Teddy was sitting with some tea and cookies, he texted his parents that he was going to do his usual career research and job exploration at the tea shop. Neither of them ever asked for updates, but Teddy wanted to keep them updated with all the bullshit he had put them through. The less time he thought about how they were probably going through hell while he was feeling down as he was in that moment, the better. That was something that needed to be processed with Minnie. He had a long bloody list of those thoughts now.

As Teddy worked picking just the right music to play for the background of videos and photos of Pada when they were in their twenties, someone came to stand next to his table. He could see their shoes and jeans out of the corner of his eye--limited edition Adidas Teddy had picked out for the owner of the shoes.  _ Jordan _ . Fuck, he was not in the mood.

“Hey.” Jordan moved to sit across from him.

Teddy didn’t look up from his laptop, but he couldn’t focus to actually do the work. “What?”

“Teddy please,” Jordan practically whined. “I fucked up but I want to talk.”

“And I don’t. Respect that.” Teddy’s eyes stayed on his screen. “You broke my heart and I want nothing to do with you. Fuck off.”

Jordan sniffled, nearly causing Teddy to stop scrutinizing a tiny spot of grey on his screen. “I know and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it for three months.”

“Good.” Teddy scrubbed both hands over his face.

“Teddy, I just wanted a break to try to help you because I was afraid you wouldn’t find who you were.”

“And I still haven’t.” He finally looked at Jordan who was slouching in his seat. “So you lost me and you didn’t help at all.” That was probably cruel, but he hurt and he wanted to make Jordan feel it. “I wanted to spend my life with you and find myself with you. So, good job.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not.” Teddy picked up his tea, on a roll with his sharpened tongue. “I’m glad it ended when it did because at least if times got tough and you wanted to break up when we were living together then that would have been harder.”

“I wouldn’t have.”

Teddy scoffed. “Stop acting like you’re some righteous person when you’re just a scaredy-cat.”

“I know what I am. I also wouldn’t have taken a break if we talked it out but you—”

Teddy cut him off with, “Go away.”

Jordan sat up straighter. “What if I stayed and we tried to talk instead of whatever this is?”

“Then I’ll fucking scream.”

“Really?”

Teddy sucked a breath in before opening his mouth about ready to shout.

Jordan nearly stumbled out of his chair. “Fine. Okay. Sorry, sorry.”

He closed his mouth and looked back to his computer. Maybe he shouldn’t have acted like that. Maybe they should have actually talked, but pain and anger still caused him to see red when he looked at Jordan.

“Look, I’m going to start uni — St Andrews — in January. If you want to talk before then, I’d like that.”

Teddy just swallowed around the lump in his throat as Jordan’s footsteps finally retreated from the table. He was going up to Scotland to study. They had a great physics and astronomy program that he had been accepted into. There were a handful of universities that Jordan had got into for the following year. Teddy didn’t realize that he was able to start a term earlier.

The idea of Jordan being so far away for so many years seemed to be tearing apart Teddy’s insides. He couldn’t eat his cookie or drink his tea. Desperately afraid he’d start sobbing if he called anyone he text Dad who was just getting out of work.

_ Dad, can you come get me from the tea shop? _

_ Saw Jordan and I’m upset and just want to be home _

**Be there in a few minutes 💚**

Teddy gathered his things, upset that he was so upset about this. Why did he have to care about Jordan when he had hurt him? As angry as it made him feel to see Jordan, he still wanted to go over and sit in his lap and hug him. Teddy wanted to feel that anchor like he was home no matter where he was. But he wanted to find out who he was first, see if Jordan was still home. Fuck, was Jordan right to begin with?

Dad showed up not long after Teddy left the tea shop. He climbed into the car, immediately tears filled his eyes. Dad leaned over and hugged him tight, rubbing his back. “It’s okay Teddy. You’re okay.”

“He’s going to St. Andrews.” Teddy wished that Jordan wasn’t going so far away because what if Teddy could finally work things out and Jordan was all the way up in Scotland probably making out with some hot bloke with a brogue.

“Oh.” Dad didn’t let go of him.

“It’s far.” He put his head on Dad’s shoulder. “I don’t want him to go but I don’t want to see him either.”

“I know, annwyl, it’s so hard.”

“I just want to not love him anymore.” 

Dad pulled back a little. “I wish I could make that happen for you.”

Teddy sat back in his seat, slumping down in his seat.

When they got back to the house, Teddy went right to his room. Dad asked if he needed anything, but what he needed wasn’t something that could be found in the kitchen. If he could just make his feelings for Jordan disappear then life would be much better right now. But that was impossible so he opened up his laptop again to throw himself into editing. Throwing himself into work was the best thing to do.

Teddy didn’t realize how long it was that he had been working until Pada poked their head into his room. He had done a good job at blocking out his feelings while working. Quickly he shut his laptop, not wanting Pada to get any sense of what he was doing. As far as Teddy knew they were completely clueless to what he was planning, and he wanted to keep it that way. Rubbing his tired eyes, Teddy scrambled to sit up.

“Watching porn? You should close the door.” Pada’s voice was light, but Teddy saw in their eyes that they were worried about him.

“Funny. No. I was doing some research for what I want to do with my life. And no, it’s not being a pornstar.” Teddy put his laptop on his nightstand. He had so much to get done, but he needed a break before his eyeballs fell out.

“That’s too bad, you’d make a lot of money.” Pada leaned against the doorjamb.

“I’m telling Dad you’re suggesting I do porn.”

They rolled their eyes. “Tattle. I’m also not telling you that, at all, but I would support you if you did.” Pada gestured down the hall. “Want to do some stretching? You look like you need it.”

“Yeah, please.” He sighed as he got up from the bed. “I’m assuming Dad told you I saw Jordan and cried about it.”

Pada took his wrist, tugging him along to the studio. “Yes, he did. You know we talk about everything. I’m so mad for you.”

Teddy frowned. “I wished I didn’t love him.”

“I wish I could take all these feelings away from you, piccolino.”

“Is it possible at all? You used to pretend when I was little.”

“Mmm, I could give it a try,” Pada said as they got into the studio. They stopped, putting their hands on his shoulders, giving them both a hard squeeze as they closed their eyes. “Did it work?” They cracked one eye open.

Teddy sniffled, thinking about how a younger Teddy would actually feel better. “No, but thanks for trying.”

Pada rubbed his hands over Teddy’s arms. “He’s going to Scotland?”

“Yeah.” Teddy shifted so he could take a seat on the floor. “He wanted to talk and I basically yelled at him then when he left I wished he was still there.”

“He probably deserved you yelling at him. But you can yell at him and still want him there. You can hate him and still love him at the same time, as annoying and difficult as that may be. You don’t have to talk to him until you’re ready and if that’s never then that’s okay too.”

Teddy nodded, taking a deep breath. The thought of never talking to Jordan caused that pain in his chest to twist. “Yeah.” Hopefully he’d be ready before Jordan went off to St. Andrews.


	17. Chapter 17

Bundling the coat around her, Teddy waited for the cake at the bakery. It was the last thing she needed to get. The theater had been taken care of and Teddy had just finished getting ready at Uncle Reggie’s place before running off to get the cake. She stood out among the people enjoying their coffee and desserts sitting around the few tables even though her jacket was pretty long the tassels of the bottom of her black art deco inspired dress peeked out from underneath. She was also so tall in her heels that she could hear Pada giving her crap about it. Not to mention the little headband and the way her hair was done in waves pinned down.

When the cake was handed over to her, Teddy thanked the baker before going for the door. As she was struggling not to drop the awkward box, the door opened. Of fucking course it was Jordan, with Dillion. “Christ,” Teddy muttered as she went through the opened door. “Thanks.”

“Hey, Teddy.” Dillon nodded at her.

Jordan’s eyes were wide, his cheeks pink. “You look…”

“I know.” She brushed past them as she went for her car, parked very illegally out front but she was in a rush.

“Let me open it for you.” Jordan hurried over to the back of her car.

Tempted to protest again, she bit her cheek because she wanted to tell him to fuck off but she also didn’t want to drop the cake. She hadn’t thought about getting the cake this far apparently. “Fine, but it doesn’t mean that we’re okay.”

“As long as you don’t throw the cake in my face.” Jordan opened the trunk before Teddy settled the cake into it.

“I wouldn’t want to ruin Pada’s cake. It’s beautiful.” It was three tiers, the bottom was glitter gold. The middle was black with a similar art deco design to Pada’s dress. Teddy had taken a photo of it to show the baker. Then the top was white with gold and black trim. It was going to look amazing in the old gilded theater.

“You’re throwing them a party now?” Jordan furrowed his brow, and Teddy suddenly remembered that Jordan had no clue what she was up to while he was gone.

“It’s just a real surprise.”

Jordan closed the trunk for Teddy, who glanced over to see Dillon at the counter. “You really look so fucking beautiful. Sorry, I should shut up. Shit.”

“Dill’s waiting for you.”

“We’re not dating,” Jordan groaned. “I swear, Teddy.”

She looked down at her gold glitter heels, resisting the urge to ask Jordan to just come along. It had been four years since she went to a function without him. It was going to be strange to not have him there. “Yeah, sure. I have to go or Pada’s going to beat me to the theater.”

Jordan went to go open Teddy’s door, almost comically scrambling to get there before she could. “Can’t have that. Have a great time. I would tell you to tell them I said hello, but I feel like they’d rather rip my heart out.”

“They would.” Teddy got into the car, a pang in their chest at Jordan’s sweetness. She was still angry with Jordan, but it was nice to have someone be sweet to her.

“Okay, have fun Teddy.” He grinned at them. “You’re going to outdo your Pada and I haven’t even seen the whole dress.”

Teddy didn’t say anything to him, she just shut the door before starting the car. Staring straight ahead, she pulled away because she wanted to make a quip back since they loved joking about Pada complaining about how Teddy always stole their things. It felt nice to have someone compliment her too, so nice that Teddy just wanted to crawl into it more. She wanted Jordan to wrap his arms around her and kiss the corner of her mouth.

Turning her music up all the way, Teddy sped to the theater, trying not to think about Jordan. It just got worse when she got into the theater though. Everyone was milling about, everyone with the husbands and wives and boyfriends and girlfriends and partners. Even Ro, Luna, and Harry came back for the weekend to celebrate -- bringing the people they were currently seeing with them. 

Alone, she thought, as she set up the cake and Auntie Marly came over to shout about not being in the loop for the party. She was wearing a gold beaded dress that Auntie Dorky probably picked out to match the theme. Teddy could hardly listen to her shrieking as she watched Luna with the pretty redhead, Ginny, who she had been dating these last few months. Uncle Al smiled at Uncle Riley at the bar while Grandma fussed over Grandpa’s tie nearby. She wanted Jordan’s hand on her hip while she fussed over the cake table and holding her hand when Pada walked in. But it was stupid because he broke her heart.

Soon enough everyone was gathered near the entrance to greet Pada. She nervously spun the ring that Dad and Pada had bought her around her finger as she watched the Uber pull up. Pada was wearing their dress, floor length with tassles on the bottom and an open back. A bow hung between their shoulders, and when they turned around Teddy was struck by the intricacy of the top. The beauty of the dress was lost by Pada shouting at Dad, something she couldn’t make out until they walked into the theater.

“CARO! I KNOW YOU DID IT! DID YOU? YOU MUST’VE? IS THIS THE THEATER? WHAT? IT’S AMAZING! REMUS!”

Dad was protesting that it wasn’t him, looking just as amazed.

“OH MY GOD YOU ALL LOOK STUNNING! TEDDY! YOU DID IT? DIDN’T YOU? YOU SNEAKY LITTLE THING!” Pada practically ran over to her, tears in their eyes. “Thank you, piccolina. This is amazing.” They hugged her tight as they rocked her in a hug.

“Happy belated birthday.” Teddy tried her best not to start crying.

“I can’t believe it.” They pulled back, holding on to her shoulder still. “Piccolina, this is the best birthday.”

“There’s one more surprise, we have to go into the theater.” Teddy reached for Pada’s hand as Dad came up next to her.

“Annwyl, you’re so amazing.”

She just laughed as everyone made their way into the screening room. “It was fun. Gave me something to do.”

Pada was continuing to shriek as they took their seats in front of the screen. Teddy was most nervous about this part because she had so much help with arranging the party, but she was the one to film and edit this movie for them. The lights went down and the opening came up, the background music was Rebel Rebel as images of Pada in their teens came on the screen and Teddy’s voiceover began.

“There was once a person who grew up in a place dark and dreary, but they broke free and became the brightest, most stunning star.” Pada made a noise Teddy had never heard before.

They snorted when Uncle James yelled that was him on the screen when his little speech about Sirius came on. Teddy dared not to look over at them the entire time as images and videos of Pada’s life played on the screen. Interspersed were speeches from everyone important to them, talking about how they were important in their lives. 

Teddy just squeezed their hand while watching her work on the screen. Many of the later images and videos were all shot by Teddy, alot of them were in the anniversary gift she had given them the other year. The feeling of seeing her work like this made her so happy, the lightness in her was a lot like being in love, but so different. They were proud to share the work, and Pada seemed to love it as they were crying the whole time with their head resting on Dad’s shoulder.

The movie came to an end with Teddy on the screen. She grimaced a little because it was jarring to see herself there looking at the camera and smiling. “Hi Pada, I’m sure you’re sobbing right now because I surprised you. I want to thank you for being the best parent any child could ask for. There’s not a day that goes by recently that I haven’t been so happy to have you and Dad in my corner. I know turning fifty freaks you out, but you really don’t look a day over thirty -- even though I bet Dad’s going to say that in his thing -- shit… should I edit that out? Nah. It’s true. Thanks for always being there to make me laugh or let me cry. Thank you for always being a phone call away. Thank you for all your support. I love you Pada, thank you.”

As the music came to an end with an image of her, Dad, Pada, and Bucky in Italy everyone clapped. Pada all but flung themselves at Teddy, hugging her tight. “That was amazing. Your speech. Oh god. Do you have any make up with you to touch up? Auntie Marly must if you don’t. You’re so amazing, piccolina. I’m going to watch that five millon times over. I can’t believe that you did all this. I -- you are fucking amazing. You did all this and that movie? Oh my god, that movie was soooooo perfect. I love you. I’m so fucking proud of you. I love you. You’re the best. I love you.”

She hugged them back, letting Pada continue their gushing as everyone started to filter out to the lobby area again. Everyone walking by kept telling Teddy how she did an amazing job with the movie, but she was too attached to her Pada at the moment to reply. They were holding tight to her still, crying about the bit of the speech that she made especially. Eventually Pada pulled back.

“Fuck, I need a drink.” Pada ran their hands under their eyes.

“There’s plenty at the bar and lots of food.” Teddy fixed the beaded and embroidered capelet she had found that matched the silver threading in her dress.

“Come on then.” Dad’s arm slipped around their waist. “The cake looks good.”

“Caro, you would say that. It all looks good. I can’t believe you did all this.” Pada shook their head as they went towards the doors.

Teddy laughed a little hollowly as they went out into the lobby. “I’m so glad that you liked this.”

“You’re so amazing with your photography and videography and your editing.” Pada kissed their forehead, going on their tiptoes to do so. “I’m going to go drink some champagne and eat all the canapes.”

Dad hugged her before Pada dragged him off to the bar.

Teddy blew a huff of air out before grabbing a glass of champagne from a passing tray, attempting to have a good time. The dance floor set up in the middle of the floor was already filled with friends and family. Auntie Alice and Uncle Frank were putting everyone to shame with their moves. Ro and her boyfriend, Sal, were dancing close together, like there was no one else in the world. Luna was blushing about something that Ginny must have said because she was close to her ear.

Knocking back the champagne was a bad choice, a risky behavior and somewhere in Teddy’s brain she knew that. She didn’t care though because she was fucking lonely even in this room full of people who loved her. But they were all with people who loved them, and yeah they were giving her attention, and talking to her, but she was pining for that connection of someone else. Someone to hold and to be held by, to kiss and to whisper to about how much she loved them.

After dancing to Rebel Rebel with Pada, Teddy went to have another piece of cake. It was so delicious that she could hardly help herself. As she stood at one of the tall tables by the dance floor, watching all the couples swaying to the music, her phone buzzed in her clutch. She opened it to find a Snap from Jordan. It was a picture in what was probably Bev’s house with the caption:  **It was nice seeing you tonight. I hope Sirius’ party is a hit.**

Teddy bit her lip, setting her fork down and walking towards the corridor leading to the theaters. She wanted someone tonight, to hold her and just be there. Going back to her bed alone made her chest ache. So she called Jordan, leaning against the stone wall.

“Teddy?”

“Hey.” She tapped her heel against the marble flooring, letting it echo around her.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Teddy cleared her throat. “The party’s fun. Everyone’s having a good time.”

“Yeah? Are you?”

“Yeah, it’s a good time.” She looked over her shoulder to make sure no one was coming. “What are you doing tonight?”

“Teddy…”

Putting her hand on the back of her neck, she bit her cheek before speaking. “Can I just see you?”

“Is that a good idea? Are you drunk?”

“No, buzzed but not out of my mind. I’m just -- I just want to be close to you.” She hated the little whine in her voice as she spoke. “I’ll stop drinking now and I’ll be fine by the time I leave.”

Jordan was quiet for a minute and Teddy could see the way his brow pinch and his eyes closed when he was in deep thought. “You hate me.”

“Maybe, but I still miss you.” At least she wasn’t lying. “I’m lonely and I want you to kiss me all night.”

He made a strangled noise. “I miss you so much.”

“It’s not going to mean anything,” she spoke quickly in order to make it perfectly clear. 

“That’s fine, if that’s what you want. You should know I love you still.”

“I know.” Teddy took a deep breath. “I’ll call you when I’m packing up”

“Okay, want me to pick you up?”

Teddy bit her lip, she didn’t want to take an Uber. “Yeah, that’d be good. Is your mum home?”

“No, she’s in London for my aunt’s birthday,” Jordan explained.

“I have to go. I’ll see you later.” Teddy hung up before Jordan could say anything else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are currently working on Sirius and Remus' POV of this part of Teddy's story. The next two part's of Teddy's story will have short one shots from Sirius and Remus from that time -- starting with some smut following Sirius' birthday tomorrow 😏


	18. Chapter 18

The party started to wind down once Dad and Pada headed home. Teddy had a feeling that she wouldn’t be missed tonight, so at least she didn’t have to hurry home. They would have discouraged her from going on to Jordan’s because they would be worried that her feelings were going to get all tangled up. Of course it wasn’t the best thing she’s done recently, but at least it wasn’t going to be the worst. All Teddy wanted tonight was to feel loved, and it was shitty of her for using Jordan that way but it didn’t matter.

Grandma, Grandpa, Auntie Lily, Uncle James, Grans, and Gramps all sent Teddy off to her Uber so they could finish cleaning up for the night. Teddy slipped out into the cool air, feeling far more sober than she was earlier but she wasn’t regretting her choice even though she was pretty buzzed before.

When she saw Jordan’s old, beat up car waiting for her, her heart skipped. All the times in that car, just driving around and holding hands. Kissing and laughing. Having long talks in the driveway of her house. Making plans that were never followed through. She got into the passenger seat, holding on to her coat and clutch in her arms. Jordan had a cigarette between his teeth, a habit that he only indulged in from time to time.

Teddy leaned over and plucked it from his lips to take a drag -- something she only did when Jordan smoked. She cracked open her window just a bit.

“Did you have fun?”

“Mmmhmm.” She took a drag before flicking the ash off the end of the cigarette. “Have a nice night with Dillon?”

“I went home after and ate three cupcakes.” Jordan snickered as they started to drive.

Teddy kicked off her heels, pulling her leg up onto the seat. “They make good cake,” she muttered with her face tilted towards the fresh air.

“The best.”

She hummed, continuing to smoke the cigarette down to the filter. The air was heavy between them, crackling with something that was somewhere between love and hate. Teddy wanted to chew Jordan out for leaving her standing in her room gasping for air. Teddy wanted to swallow up all her apologies and return them with the sweetest, softest kisses that said  _ it’s okay, I love you _ . Mostly, she didn’t know what she wanted with the exception of being held tonight. She wanted to feel grounded, like she belonged somewhere and she knew that she could get it here and that it was safe.

They made it to the small house on the other side of town that Bev had bought after the divorce. Jordan had moved into it after the trip, according to what Luna had told Teddy at least. It was a far cry from the large house that Jordan had grown up in, and what Bev was probably used to. Teddy tried not to linger on thoughts about Jordan’s parents as they walked into the house.

Dropping her things in the hallway, Teddy looked around. The house was far more lived in and warm than his childhood home. “What do you--”

“Bedroom.” Teddy cut him off before he could even finish the question.

Jordan nodded, taking her hand and lacing their fingers together. “That dress is really beautiful. I like the cape thing.”

Teddy nearly told him to stop talking, but the words washed over her like a cleansing rain. The people she had hooked up with last weren’t sweet and complimentary. They just tore at each other’s clothes and got each other off. Teddy wanted  _ this _ , even if it might hurt later when she left Jordan in his bed but it would feel better for a little while. A temporary relief from the loneliness and uncertainty pushing against the edges of Teddy’s brain every moment of the day even through her structured hours.

The hurt didn’t matter now anyhow. Now it felt perfect when Jordan’s hand went to her hips and pulled her closer. When he pressed kisses down her jaw, Teddy’s eyes fluttered shut, thinking about how perfect his lips were. The fingers tracing over the beading of her dress were sure and soft, just as they always were. Teddy pressed back against them before they fell into Jordan’s bed with their arms around one another, as if they were both worried the other wouldn’t be there if they blinked. She didn’t plan on up and leaving at any moment, she wanted to be right there under Jordan.

The weight of Jordan on top of her was more grounding than any crystals she had ever been given or any meditation she had tried. It brought her back down then lifted her back up when he got her out of her clothes, her dress making a soft sound as it fell to the floor. Jordan traced the expanses of her skin with his tongue and fingers when they were both undressed. It caused her head to spin more than too many glasses of champagne would. His touches left a path of flush down her skin.

“Condom,” Teddy muttered as Jordan’s fingers moved in the most delicious way. It was amazing her brain was able to even supply the word when he had just been sucking kisses against her neck.

Jordan nodded before kissing her once more. They had stopped using condoms at a certain point in their sexual exploration because they were together exclusively and trusted one another more than anything. Teddy worried more about what she could give Jordan more than the other way around. Even though her last tests to check in were all squeaky clean, she was still terrified that something could still be there. She wanted Jordan to be safe.

Any worry faded away when Jordan was inside of her. The only thing that Teddy could think about how no one else made her feel this way. How Jordan knew every inch of her and adored all of her down to her tiniest freckle. Lost in the ecstasy of it, she never wanted to end. Feeling alive and loved and free was all she wanted tonight and it was what she was getting with Jordan taking care of her.

They seemed to go in forever, as if neither of them wanted it to be over and they were both attempting to draw it out as much as possible. But when she did climax at the feeling of Jordan coming undone she saw stars. For the briefest of moments absolutely nothing mattered aside from that rush of chemicals.

After she quickly drifted off to sleep, whether it was the drinks or the sex or Jordan holding her she couldn’t be sure what caused her eyes to drift closed so quickly. The next thing she knew the sky outside Jordan’s window was a murky grey. That only kind of like that comes in the predawn hours. The party hadn’t ended that long ago, and Teddy hadn’t fallen into bed long after, so at least she hadn’t slept through til mid morning.

“Fuck fuck, I have to get home.” She scrambled out of bed, looking around for her underwear.

Jordan sat straight up rubbing his eyes. “I have some of your sweats and a t shirt.” His voice was thick and deep. Teddy wanted to crawl back into bed and listen to him talk.

Instead she just asked for her clothes so she didn’t have to put the dress back on. It was probably freezing out and going back out in sweats was going to be shocking enough. When she got into her clothes, she tried not to think about how the woodys earthy scent of Jordan was now all over her.

The ride back to Teddy’s car was quiet as they shared one more cigarette. Neither of them said a word, and that was fine with Teddy. She didn’t know what to say or how to say it even if she could put everything together. Teddy was still hurt by Jordan but he was still home, a home that was going away to Uni in about about a month outside of an easy trip.

The silence stretched out as Jordan pulled up to her car and she gathered her things in her arms. “Teddy,” Jordan finally spoke when she reached for the door handle.

“What?”

“When you’re ready to talk…”

She bit her lip before getting out of the car with a small nod. Maybe soon she could talk to him but it wasn’t happening yet.

The car ride back to her house, all alone in the grey morning, was silent. She didn’t bother to put on music as she made her way through the familiar streets home. The most concerning thought in her head was that her parents knew she was out. She hadn’t checked in with them but assumed they would be too caught up in things Teddy didn’t not want to think about. No one had texted her or called her, so she took that as a good sign.

Unfortunately for her she found the kitchen light on and the low murmur of her parents.

“She didn’t text you at all?” Pada asked in a frantic voice as it sounded like Dad was filling the kettle.

Teddy cleared her throat as she walked barefoot through the living room towards the kitchen. Before she could speak both her parents were through the kitchen doors. Dad looked as if he just woke up, pillow lines still on his face. Pada was more bright eyed.

“I’m so sorry, I though—“

Pada came over, hugging them. “Where were you? I just got up and couldn’t fall back to sleep and I noticed your door was still wide open and you not in bed. I thought you might have stayed over with Luna and Ro at Auntie Mary’s but then I thought you were acting a bit off last night. Did you drink too much? Did you… did you take — why do —  _ oh _ .” Pada stepped back and glanced at Dad.

“Oh?” Dad rubbed his forehead.

Teddy furrowed her brow, dropping her dress and purse on the sofa. “I didn’t take anything, I swear, I’ll take a drug test. I did drink more than I should have, but I stopped before I got out of hand.”

Pada nodded. “You were with Jordan?”

She nodded, looking down at her toes. “Yeah.”

“I’m glad you were somewhere safe,” Dad said very diplomatically.

“I hope you used a condom.” Pada’s voice was quiet. “Go get some sleep piccolina. I’ll put your dress with mine to be dry cleaned.”

She nodded before heading up to her room. God, when was she going to get it right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second part to Teddy's story is coming up tomorrow! Please check out "Older Teddy One Shots" for some post-birthday smut and Sirius and Remus' POV


End file.
